The Concert Chairman On The Radio

Article from our club journal - "The Cumberland Claptrap":
Our very own concert chairman has now secured a spot on the "Turner & Holt Sports Spectacular" radio show on "FabFMSpain" - he appears as the "Voice Of Reason" to give his views on various sporting topics of the day plus on the weekly "Guess the year" feature. Here is a transcript of this weeks conversation -

"Audley Harrison – when´s he gonna actually fight a boxer? – up to press he´s fought a cabby, a postman and 3 bin men – soft as muck, - I read in´t paper he got mugged by an old lady outside a fish shop in London last week, - Had him ont floor with his arm up his back and pinched his haddock. – left him laid in´t gutter covered in scraps, - I ask yer. Tell you who was just as bad – Joe Bugner – great big lump of useless fat lard he was – fought Ali twice and never actually threw a punch! only time he peeped out from behind his gloves were to put his gumshield in. He wore that at the weigh in an all - he were that scared – They were some great boxers though weren´t they in those days– Joe Frazer, Muhammad Ali – George Formby – he couldn´t half punch except that time in Zaire when Ali talked him to death – the fumble in the jungle they called it. He´s a chef now – he´s got a chip pan named after him or summat.

Anyway – 1988 what a year, I were recuperating from a slip disc after falling over a dead hedgehog up on me allotment. – It were a nightmare – I had to send the wife up there to plant me shallots and everything, - I were bed ridden – but only for one night though. Doctor cudn´t believe it, said I shudn´t be able to walk – walk! – I were playing football next morning – and I scored a hat trick. – said he´s never come across anybody who could recover from such a serious injury like that ever before, by rights I should have been in traction for 3 months and then another month psychotherapy. Said I were a walking miracle, said if there were more people like me, his job would be 10 times easier.

(Discussing the World Snooker final of 1985:)

I were a brilliant snooker player me sen yer know, wud av turned professional an all had I not got that detached rectum after somebody threw the triangle at me - hit me in the eye – I were best player in our club anyway, I used to break off, bounce off o´t top 2 cushions, behind´t blue, off o´t bottom cush and cue ball would end up nestled up to behind yellow – or behind the brown – if I was a bit off form. I used to play pairs with Charlie Barrett who had a glass eye, so he couldn´t judge distances, so as far as he were concerned pack of reds were 3 mile away, and frankly – he played like it. Problem were he used to line up the shot with his glass eye instead of his good one, I told him to get the doctor to drill a hole in it so he can see through it but he wouldn´t listen.I bought him an eye patch in the end but he fell down the stairs at Horsforth Conservative club – silly sod put the patch over his GOOD eye! I didn´t notice that he played any worse though.

The greatest ever final was that one between Davis and Naylor– surely, unless you count Joe Davis beating Walter Lindford 145 – 110 in 1937 – that were a close game for them days, a real ciff hanger. – Funny that another Davis came along – Steve - everybody thought that they were related but they weren´t – he were ginger if you remember. Anyway, he played Dennis Naylor who were blind – until he put this glasses on, but he didn´t put em on til he was 8-0 behind – think he had wife´s glasses on by mistake. I Remember the great champions – Ray Reardon – Dracula they called him – cos he didn´t like coming for crosses – no hang on – that might have been Victor Spinetti – the goalkeeper, anyway then there was Eddie Charlton the Aussie who were a right boring player with a hair transplant and Frank Spencer who wore a blue suit – he won world title 3 times, but that were before it were played at er...Sheffield Wednesday at The Crucifix theatre, I remember that it didn´t finish until half six in´t morning, I remember inviting milkman in to watch the last frame, and we toasted Naylor´s victory with a glass of gold top, and a strawberry yoghurt."
Tune into "TheTurner and Holt Sports Spectacular" on FabFMSpain 99.5FM or on the internet on http://www.fabfmspain.com/ 5-7pm saturdays (or 4-6pm British time)