Blackpool Reunion Photos

Once again it were a right good turn out and I would like to thank all our members for making an effort.

Fruit and Vegetable Show and Stripper Complaints.

I would like to thank all of you and all of your efforts this year I would especially like to thank


The stripper who appeared at this club of Saturday last has unfortunately resulted in a number of complaints, he was

Charlie Barrett who organised our fruit and vegetable show last Sunday. We are happy to report a good turnout for this and would like to thank our judge Harry Fielding who judged the tomatoes and was

Strutting around naked whilst using foul and abusive language. I would like to point out that I was

happy to help out with the plums as well. Arthur Jessop who celebrated his 80th birthday this year, attained the runners up rosette for his radishes and was accompanied by his wife who was

truly appalled at his behaviour. He ran amok through the audience whilst waving his private parts in the air, and was eventually rugby tackled by Stan Etherington by the domino table, who was

standing proudly by his side, whilst they had their photograph taken. The prize for best spring onions went to Alf Ramage who was also

a little out of breath after his exertions not surprisingly. The stripper then dragged Hilda Olroyd on to the stage who was blindfolded and was humiliated and then

elated with his rhubarb, which came second. We would also like to thank the lady mayoress for presenting some of the prizes. She was serenaded by local school children, shown around the cake stall before being

beaten around the head with a sex toy. Things got so bad that somebody phoned the police, who were taken to the concert room and

shown Jim Spencer´s pickled onions. She complimented Ethel Tomlinson on her chutney and sampled Harry Crump´s home made wine before she

led him away in handcuffs, but then he

had a scone and a cup of tea with the vicars wife. She was then briefly introduced to our president who

ran around taunting the constable with his testicles cupped in the palm of his hand. We would like to apologise wholeheartedly for this, and would like to promise all our members it will never happen again.

then had to attend a pigeon meeting.

P.S I have just realised that some sort of administrative error has occured here and somehow the 2 seperate reports have been inter linked. So you have to read all the red writing together and then the white writing, otherwise it doesn´t make sense. We hope that this hasn´t led to undue confusion.
Regards, The Concert Chairman.

1966 And All That

This is an article from our club journal, “The Cumberland Claptrap” which uses a transcript of a conversation between our club steward Nigel and our concert chairman which took place on the radio recently. They were discussing the fact that world cup matches were this year being shown in the club, and it wasn´t long before our1966 triumph cropped up.

“So Mr. Chairman, do you remember that glorious day in 1966?”

“Remember it!? remember it? – I was there I think you´ll find! though I couldn´t see bugger all cos I was sat behind that bloke that turned up to all of Englands games wearing a bloody great top hat and waving a Union Jack. I remember when the final whistle went and shouting down to Nobby Stiles – “Nobby lad, put tha teeth in, tha´s gonna meet queen in a minute”. – Well, he just chuckled and reached inside his shorts and pulled out his dentures which were wrapped in his hanky and gave this great big smile he did. Of course I knew all the lads personally, - they used to come in our club regular of a Sunday dinner time, Alf Ramsey used to come in first, a very quiet bloke he was with a posh voice, allus used to sit in the corner of the games room with a port and lemon and criticise the tactics used by the lads as they played snooker. The Charlton brothers allus drank Newcastle Brown, Martin Peters used to ghost into the snug with a vodka and tonic and Gordon Banks used to like his cider. I remember one of the lads used to head a packet of crisps to him and he´d throw himself of his stool and tip it over the bar, that were his party piece were that. I also remember that Alan Ball drank Britvik orange cos one of the committee found out he weren´t old enough to drink, Bobby Moore liked his lager and Jimmy Greaves drank, well.........everything really. They always said that they would win the world cup just for me, and when they did they would bring it to the club and put it in our trophy cabinet. Anyway, they were as good as their word, and a couple of days after the final in they came with the world cup in an old duffle bag. A good night was had by all and on his way home Jimmy Greaves stopped at the side of the road, put the world cup under a bush and then had a piss. Unfortunately he left the cup there and if it wasn´t for Reg Brown´s dog “Pickles” (he liked his Picalilly did Reg), finding it during his next morning´s constitutional it´d be still there to this day – great times. I´m the one behind Bobby Moore in the photo which was given to me (and signed) by Nobby Stiles."

Club Turns

I´ve been lining up some top turns for our club, we auditioned “Screaming lord Beaverbrook and his bonking bullocks”, and “Terry Titlock – stage chicken sexer” just last week but they weren´t really suitable. Over the years I´ve worked with all the modern greats, such household names as Charlie Flange, Mungo Dumpling, “Victor Splattergun – the human cowpat” and Bernie Clifton. So I know talent when I see it, but if truth be known there´s not a lot out there. So, if you are a club turn, and you wish to work at our club – please fill in this multiple choice application form –

1. You are singing a ballad when one of our members comes to the front of the stage and drops his trousers. Do you -

(a) Drop YOUR trousers.

(b) Sing “Little stick of Blackpool rock”

(c) Say “That reminds me, I must buy some of those button mushrooms from Morrisons”

2. Our Concert secretary insists on singing “My Way” in the middle of your spot, do you –

(a) Tell him that would be a wonderful idea and hand him the microphone.

(b) Say that maybe it would be best if you sang the song.

(c) Simply ignore him, turn to a member of the audience and mouth the word “tosser” when you think he isn´t looking.

3. You are sat on the toilet when suddenly and without warning our concert chairman announces you to the stage for your second spot. Do you –

(a) Finish your doings, before calmly washing your hands, walking into the concert room and taking your place on stage to desultory applause because our audience have been kept waiting.

(b) Pretend you haven´t heard him and just sit there despairing of the day you ever took up the entertainment business.

(c) Nip it off, scramble to the door whilst pulling up your underpants, run on to stage red faced, snatch the microphone from our chairman whilst calling him a “useless bastard” under your breath.

4. Our keyboard player and drummer are pissed, and are making a complete pigs ear of your opening song. Do you –

(a) Fumble along blindly until you get to a bit that you vaguely recognize and then join in half heartedly.

(b) Turn around abruptly, and insist that they start again, - this time from the beginning.

(c) Throw down the microphone, march over to the drummer (who is generally the more pissed of the two), pull down his trousers and ram one of the drumsticks up his bum piece.

5. Some infuriating parent is encouraging her little brat of a 5 year old son to dance right in front of you whilst you are performing. Do you –

(a) Smile at them both, and start dancing with the infant.

(b) Pretend you haven´t seen either of them and slyly move to the other side of the stage and sing there.

(c) Grab hold of the snotty nosed oik by his grubby little chav top and drop kick him towards the fire exit.

6. You have just died an absolute death, and at the conclusion of your 45 minute set, even though there isn´t even the merest hint of even a smattering of applause, our Concert Chairman insists you do an encore. Do you –

(a) Inwardly squirm like an eel in a vat of cooking fat, but smile graciously and knock out one last song which seems to take about half an hour to sing.

(b) Shake your head vigorously from the wings mouthing the words “I don´t bloody think so” and hope he gets the message.

(c) Blow a giant raspberry down the microphone and protrude your right arm from behind the curtain revealing a clenched fist with your middle finger stuck steadfastly upwards.

7. You arrive at the club on time but our concert secretary insists that you are an hour late and threatens to dock half of your money. Do you –

(a) Politely inform him that this was the time you were informed to turn up and show him a copy of the email from your agent.

(b) Tell him he is wanted on the phone, and when his back is turned smile to yourself and go and get changed.

(c) Burst a blood vessel, scream in his face that he hasn´t got a clue what he´s talking about, then quickly manoeuvre behind him and garrotte him with his own tie.

8. You have just been informed that the dressing room is out of bounds because of a burst pipe and you have to get changed in the toilets. Do you –

(a) Resign yourself to having to hop about on one leg splashing about in pools of urine whilst trying to keep your trousers dry.

(b) Ask if it´s possible to per chance get changed somewhere else, preferably somewhere where there isn´t someone sat at the side of you “taking his ease”.

(c) Waltz straight round to the coat rack, pick up the concert secretary´s scarf and flush it down the bog.

9. One of the committee is having a noisy conversation about his pigeons whilst playing the fruit machine about 3 feet from where you are standing, whilst another committee man peers over his shoulder and predictably says “Hold yer plums”. Do you –

(a) Pretend you haven´t heard it and pick a loud song that will drown out the chatter.

(b) Force a laugh, and then sing “Money, money,money” by Abba.

(c) Say, “No,- let me do that” before reaching over and grabbing his testicles in a vice like grip, before twisting them round, leaving him contorted and gasping for air on the tiled floor.

10. You have a serious accident in the dressing room, breaking your arm. This has happened because the one chair in the dressing room which had only been placed there by the concert secretary because it had several loose screws and was too dangerous for our members to sit on, had given way when you plonked your rear end on it. Do you –

(a) Take a couple of pain killers, and gallantly go ahead with the show holding the microphone in your one good hand.

(b) Instruct the committee that you´ve just had about had enough of their slipshod ways and will be phoning “Claims Direct” as soon as you get back from hospital.

(c) Seek out the concert secretary, cornering him in the tap room, gently insert a loaded pistol into his mouth and blow his bloody head off.

Committee Meeting - Monday 15th March 2010

COMMITTEE MEETING MONDAY 15TH MARCH 2010


Apologies for absence were received from Colin Chivers, who has recently suffered a virus – on his computer, George Appleton who´s not been very well and Cyril Dobbs, who died.

Item one on the agenda – dog fouling on the perimeter concourse directly outside the club:

Les Stubbs said that he had noticed it getting worse lately and was finding it more difficult to walk in a straight line of late. “Mind you”, he added “Half of the reason for that is me bad feet, doctor said that he´d send me to a chiropodist and get it sorted. This were a fortnight since, and what has happened? – well I´ll tell you shall I – bugger all that´s what. Lionel Smithers who lives next door but one had the same problem as me, and he were seen straight away, - I can´t understand it, or rather I can understand it – his niece works on the reception at the chiropodist, makes you bloody sick, his feet were nowhere near as bad as mine to start with and now I´m still hobbling about like an old woman and he´s skipping around like a chuffing two year old. I´ve already sent a letter to the town hall about it and if I don´t get any joy from them I´ll be getting on to the local paper and after that me MP”. Neville Cummings also had a view on this. “Well, I can tell you that my wife goes to that same chiropodist and she´s had nowt but bother wi em, she sacrificed her shift at the coffee morning at the W.I – and it were her turn to pour!, went to get her bunions shaved and had to wait two bloody hours in the waiting room – they said they were dealing with an emergency or summat, - turns out some silly sod had stubbed his toe on the leg of his bed whilst chasing after a gerbil, - what a bloody carry on. Had to make me own tea that day, and that´s not happened since afore I were wed, had to ask Maureen in from next door to show me how to open me own fridge!”

Bob Merryman sympathised with Neville´s predicament. “Them chiropodists are a waste of time anyway in my opinion, there´s nowt that can go wrong wi feet that can´t be put right by soaking em in vinegar. It´s allus worked for me over´t years, from doing me national service right up until I packed up the milk round a couple of year back. Used to get up at 3 o´clock int morning come rain or shine, scrape ice off ot windscreen of me milk float, stamp the snow off me boots and cling on to next doors cat to try and get circulation goin in me hands – and this were in bloody August! I´ll never forget the time I set off down´t street int pitch black and suddenly the float reared up and there such bloody crash behind me. Thought that someone were taking pot shots at me from their bedroom window – cos it were a right rough area tha knows, but no, - turns out that I´d forgotten to unplug the re-charging lead which were attached to the mains in our front room. It were a right bloody mess I can tell you, it had knocked over the radiogram – which were worth a fortune – and that had smashed into the budgies cage. Luckily the budgie weren´t killed but from that day on it couldn´t chirp properly and it flew upside down – still does. The vet said he could cure it but it would cost. Told him to stick his “Cost” up his bloody arse, they´re allus out to fleece you them vets, don´t trust any of em. I mean, cats and dogs can´t talk can they! You avent got a clue what goes on behind that surgery door, once told me that the grand daughter´s tortoise was in a coma, and it were gonna cost a hundred quid to bring it round. I´ve never heard such shite, - it were hibernating! Everybody knows that tortoises hibernate, everybody that is apart from the sodding vet. The damn thing woke up in March as right as rain, it yawned a bit, we give it a bit o lettuce and it sprinted off, never to be seen again – well, not alive anyway.............”

The meeting was adjourned at this point, it was agreed that it had been a very constructive meeting and that we would meet again a week on Monday to discuss the dog fouling problem.

Concert Chairman.

The Concert Chairman On The Radio

Article from our club journal - "The Cumberland Claptrap":
Our very own concert chairman has now secured a spot on the "Turner & Holt Sports Spectacular" radio show on "FabFMSpain" - he appears as the "Voice Of Reason" to give his views on various sporting topics of the day plus on the weekly "Guess the year" feature. Here is a transcript of this weeks conversation -

"Audley Harrison – when´s he gonna actually fight a boxer? – up to press he´s fought a cabby, a postman and 3 bin men – soft as muck, - I read in´t paper he got mugged by an old lady outside a fish shop in London last week, - Had him ont floor with his arm up his back and pinched his haddock. – left him laid in´t gutter covered in scraps, - I ask yer. Tell you who was just as bad – Joe Bugner – great big lump of useless fat lard he was – fought Ali twice and never actually threw a punch! only time he peeped out from behind his gloves were to put his gumshield in. He wore that at the weigh in an all - he were that scared – They were some great boxers though weren´t they in those days– Joe Frazer, Muhammad Ali – George Formby – he couldn´t half punch except that time in Zaire when Ali talked him to death – the fumble in the jungle they called it. He´s a chef now – he´s got a chip pan named after him or summat.

Anyway – 1988 what a year, I were recuperating from a slip disc after falling over a dead hedgehog up on me allotment. – It were a nightmare – I had to send the wife up there to plant me shallots and everything, - I were bed ridden – but only for one night though. Doctor cudn´t believe it, said I shudn´t be able to walk – walk! – I were playing football next morning – and I scored a hat trick. – said he´s never come across anybody who could recover from such a serious injury like that ever before, by rights I should have been in traction for 3 months and then another month psychotherapy. Said I were a walking miracle, said if there were more people like me, his job would be 10 times easier.

(Discussing the World Snooker final of 1985:)

I were a brilliant snooker player me sen yer know, wud av turned professional an all had I not got that detached rectum after somebody threw the triangle at me - hit me in the eye – I were best player in our club anyway, I used to break off, bounce off o´t top 2 cushions, behind´t blue, off o´t bottom cush and cue ball would end up nestled up to behind yellow – or behind the brown – if I was a bit off form. I used to play pairs with Charlie Barrett who had a glass eye, so he couldn´t judge distances, so as far as he were concerned pack of reds were 3 mile away, and frankly – he played like it. Problem were he used to line up the shot with his glass eye instead of his good one, I told him to get the doctor to drill a hole in it so he can see through it but he wouldn´t listen.I bought him an eye patch in the end but he fell down the stairs at Horsforth Conservative club – silly sod put the patch over his GOOD eye! I didn´t notice that he played any worse though.

The greatest ever final was that one between Davis and Naylor– surely, unless you count Joe Davis beating Walter Lindford 145 – 110 in 1937 – that were a close game for them days, a real ciff hanger. – Funny that another Davis came along – Steve - everybody thought that they were related but they weren´t – he were ginger if you remember. Anyway, he played Dennis Naylor who were blind – until he put this glasses on, but he didn´t put em on til he was 8-0 behind – think he had wife´s glasses on by mistake. I Remember the great champions – Ray Reardon – Dracula they called him – cos he didn´t like coming for crosses – no hang on – that might have been Victor Spinetti – the goalkeeper, anyway then there was Eddie Charlton the Aussie who were a right boring player with a hair transplant and Frank Spencer who wore a blue suit – he won world title 3 times, but that were before it were played at er...Sheffield Wednesday at The Crucifix theatre, I remember that it didn´t finish until half six in´t morning, I remember inviting milkman in to watch the last frame, and we toasted Naylor´s victory with a glass of gold top, and a strawberry yoghurt."
Tune into "TheTurner and Holt Sports Spectacular" on FabFMSpain 99.5FM or on the internet on http://www.fabfmspain.com/ 5-7pm saturdays (or 4-6pm British time)

New Years Eve

Would like to thank all our members what turned up to our New years Eve fancy dress party on new years Eve. We once again had a capacity turn out in the best room and prizes for best fancy dress went to Mozzer Littlemore (Tina Turner), Dave from Alcudia (wore a pair of red combinations but not sure who he was meant to be), and club steward Nigel and Yvonne who came as Robin Hudd and Maid Marriot. We also had a snow man, a penguin and a bloke with a long coat and white face, which was very good.


I performed my duties until “Auld Lang Syne” whereby I vacated the stage to let the celebrations commence. Unfortunately my wife Elsie didn´t make it due to rheumatoid dartitis. It´s a shame is that cos she´d spent ages making that big fat Christmas pudding outfit – amazingly when she put it on – she didn´t look any different.