COMMITTEE MEETING MONDAY 15TH MARCH 2010
Apologies for absence were received from Colin Chivers, who has recently suffered a virus – on his computer, George Appleton who´s not been very well and Cyril Dobbs, who died.
Item one on the agenda – dog fouling on the perimeter concourse directly outside the club:
Les Stubbs said that he had noticed it getting worse lately and was finding it more difficult to walk in a straight line of late. “Mind you”, he added “Half of the reason for that is me bad feet, doctor said that he´d send me to a chiropodist and get it sorted. This were a fortnight since, and what has happened? – well I´ll tell you shall I – bugger all that´s what. Lionel Smithers who lives next door but one had the same problem as me, and he were seen straight away, - I can´t understand it, or rather I can understand it – his niece works on the reception at the chiropodist, makes you bloody sick, his feet were nowhere near as bad as mine to start with and now I´m still hobbling about like an old woman and he´s skipping around like a chuffing two year old. I´ve already sent a letter to the town hall about it and if I don´t get any joy from them I´ll be getting on to the local paper and after that me MP”. Neville Cummings also had a view on this. “Well, I can tell you that my wife goes to that same chiropodist and she´s had nowt but bother wi em, she sacrificed her shift at the coffee morning at the W.I – and it were her turn to pour!, went to get her bunions shaved and had to wait two bloody hours in the waiting room – they said they were dealing with an emergency or summat, - turns out some silly sod had stubbed his toe on the leg of his bed whilst chasing after a gerbil, - what a bloody carry on. Had to make me own tea that day, and that´s not happened since afore I were wed, had to ask Maureen in from next door to show me how to open me own fridge!”
Bob Merryman sympathised with Neville´s predicament. “Them chiropodists are a waste of time anyway in my opinion, there´s nowt that can go wrong wi feet that can´t be put right by soaking em in vinegar. It´s allus worked for me over´t years, from doing me national service right up until I packed up the milk round a couple of year back. Used to get up at 3 o´clock int morning come rain or shine, scrape ice off ot windscreen of me milk float, stamp the snow off me boots and cling on to next doors cat to try and get circulation goin in me hands – and this were in bloody August! I´ll never forget the time I set off down´t street int pitch black and suddenly the float reared up and there such bloody crash behind me. Thought that someone were taking pot shots at me from their bedroom window – cos it were a right rough area tha knows, but no, - turns out that I´d forgotten to unplug the re-charging lead which were attached to the mains in our front room. It were a right bloody mess I can tell you, it had knocked over the radiogram – which were worth a fortune – and that had smashed into the budgies cage. Luckily the budgie weren´t killed but from that day on it couldn´t chirp properly and it flew upside down – still does. The vet said he could cure it but it would cost. Told him to stick his “Cost” up his bloody arse, they´re allus out to fleece you them vets, don´t trust any of em. I mean, cats and dogs can´t talk can they! You avent got a clue what goes on behind that surgery door, once told me that the grand daughter´s tortoise was in a coma, and it were gonna cost a hundred quid to bring it round. I´ve never heard such shite, - it were hibernating! Everybody knows that tortoises hibernate, everybody that is apart from the sodding vet. The damn thing woke up in March as right as rain, it yawned a bit, we give it a bit o lettuce and it sprinted off, never to be seen again – well, not alive anyway.............”
The meeting was adjourned at this point, it was agreed that it had been a very constructive meeting and that we would meet again a week on Monday to discuss the dog fouling problem.
Concert Chairman.
Monday, 15 March 2010
Sunday, 24 January 2010
The Concert Chairman On The Radio
Article from our club journal - "The Cumberland Claptrap":
Our very own concert chairman has now secured a spot on the "Turner & Holt Sports Spectacular" radio show on "FabFMSpain" - he appears as the "Voice Of Reason" to give his views on various sporting topics of the day plus on the weekly "Guess the year" feature. Here is a transcript of this weeks conversation -
"Audley Harrison – when´s he gonna actually fight a boxer? – up to press he´s fought a cabby, a postman and 3 bin men – soft as muck, - I read in´t paper he got mugged by an old lady outside a fish shop in London last week, - Had him ont floor with his arm up his back and pinched his haddock. – left him laid in´t gutter covered in scraps, - I ask yer. Tell you who was just as bad – Joe Bugner – great big lump of useless fat lard he was – fought Ali twice and never actually threw a punch! only time he peeped out from behind his gloves were to put his gumshield in. He wore that at the weigh in an all - he were that scared – They were some great boxers though weren´t they in those days– Joe Frazer, Muhammad Ali – George Formby – he couldn´t half punch except that time in Zaire when Ali talked him to death – the fumble in the jungle they called it. He´s a chef now – he´s got a chip pan named after him or summat.
Anyway – 1988 what a year, I were recuperating from a slip disc after falling over a dead hedgehog up on me allotment. – It were a nightmare – I had to send the wife up there to plant me shallots and everything, - I were bed ridden – but only for one night though. Doctor cudn´t believe it, said I shudn´t be able to walk – walk! – I were playing football next morning – and I scored a hat trick. – said he´s never come across anybody who could recover from such a serious injury like that ever before, by rights I should have been in traction for 3 months and then another month psychotherapy. Said I were a walking miracle, said if there were more people like me, his job would be 10 times easier.
(Discussing the World Snooker final of 1985:)
I were a brilliant snooker player me sen yer know, wud av turned professional an all had I not got that detached rectum after somebody threw the triangle at me - hit me in the eye – I were best player in our club anyway, I used to break off, bounce off o´t top 2 cushions, behind´t blue, off o´t bottom cush and cue ball would end up nestled up to behind yellow – or behind the brown – if I was a bit off form. I used to play pairs with Charlie Barrett who had a glass eye, so he couldn´t judge distances, so as far as he were concerned pack of reds were 3 mile away, and frankly – he played like it. Problem were he used to line up the shot with his glass eye instead of his good one, I told him to get the doctor to drill a hole in it so he can see through it but he wouldn´t listen.I bought him an eye patch in the end but he fell down the stairs at Horsforth Conservative club – silly sod put the patch over his GOOD eye! I didn´t notice that he played any worse though.
The greatest ever final was that one between Davis and Naylor– surely, unless you count Joe Davis beating Walter Lindford 145 – 110 in 1937 – that were a close game for them days, a real ciff hanger. – Funny that another Davis came along – Steve - everybody thought that they were related but they weren´t – he were ginger if you remember. Anyway, he played Dennis Naylor who were blind – until he put this glasses on, but he didn´t put em on til he was 8-0 behind – think he had wife´s glasses on by mistake. I Remember the great champions – Ray Reardon – Dracula they called him – cos he didn´t like coming for crosses – no hang on – that might have been Victor Spinetti – the goalkeeper, anyway then there was Eddie Charlton the Aussie who were a right boring player with a hair transplant and Frank Spencer who wore a blue suit – he won world title 3 times, but that were before it were played at er...Sheffield Wednesday at The Crucifix theatre, I remember that it didn´t finish until half six in´t morning, I remember inviting milkman in to watch the last frame, and we toasted Naylor´s victory with a glass of gold top, and a strawberry yoghurt."
Tune into "TheTurner and Holt Sports Spectacular" on FabFMSpain 99.5FM or on the internet on http://www.fabfmspain.com/ 5-7pm saturdays (or 4-6pm British time)
Our very own concert chairman has now secured a spot on the "Turner & Holt Sports Spectacular" radio show on "FabFMSpain" - he appears as the "Voice Of Reason" to give his views on various sporting topics of the day plus on the weekly "Guess the year" feature. Here is a transcript of this weeks conversation -
"Audley Harrison – when´s he gonna actually fight a boxer? – up to press he´s fought a cabby, a postman and 3 bin men – soft as muck, - I read in´t paper he got mugged by an old lady outside a fish shop in London last week, - Had him ont floor with his arm up his back and pinched his haddock. – left him laid in´t gutter covered in scraps, - I ask yer. Tell you who was just as bad – Joe Bugner – great big lump of useless fat lard he was – fought Ali twice and never actually threw a punch! only time he peeped out from behind his gloves were to put his gumshield in. He wore that at the weigh in an all - he were that scared – They were some great boxers though weren´t they in those days– Joe Frazer, Muhammad Ali – George Formby – he couldn´t half punch except that time in Zaire when Ali talked him to death – the fumble in the jungle they called it. He´s a chef now – he´s got a chip pan named after him or summat.
Anyway – 1988 what a year, I were recuperating from a slip disc after falling over a dead hedgehog up on me allotment. – It were a nightmare – I had to send the wife up there to plant me shallots and everything, - I were bed ridden – but only for one night though. Doctor cudn´t believe it, said I shudn´t be able to walk – walk! – I were playing football next morning – and I scored a hat trick. – said he´s never come across anybody who could recover from such a serious injury like that ever before, by rights I should have been in traction for 3 months and then another month psychotherapy. Said I were a walking miracle, said if there were more people like me, his job would be 10 times easier.
(Discussing the World Snooker final of 1985:)
I were a brilliant snooker player me sen yer know, wud av turned professional an all had I not got that detached rectum after somebody threw the triangle at me - hit me in the eye – I were best player in our club anyway, I used to break off, bounce off o´t top 2 cushions, behind´t blue, off o´t bottom cush and cue ball would end up nestled up to behind yellow – or behind the brown – if I was a bit off form. I used to play pairs with Charlie Barrett who had a glass eye, so he couldn´t judge distances, so as far as he were concerned pack of reds were 3 mile away, and frankly – he played like it. Problem were he used to line up the shot with his glass eye instead of his good one, I told him to get the doctor to drill a hole in it so he can see through it but he wouldn´t listen.I bought him an eye patch in the end but he fell down the stairs at Horsforth Conservative club – silly sod put the patch over his GOOD eye! I didn´t notice that he played any worse though.
The greatest ever final was that one between Davis and Naylor– surely, unless you count Joe Davis beating Walter Lindford 145 – 110 in 1937 – that were a close game for them days, a real ciff hanger. – Funny that another Davis came along – Steve - everybody thought that they were related but they weren´t – he were ginger if you remember. Anyway, he played Dennis Naylor who were blind – until he put this glasses on, but he didn´t put em on til he was 8-0 behind – think he had wife´s glasses on by mistake. I Remember the great champions – Ray Reardon – Dracula they called him – cos he didn´t like coming for crosses – no hang on – that might have been Victor Spinetti – the goalkeeper, anyway then there was Eddie Charlton the Aussie who were a right boring player with a hair transplant and Frank Spencer who wore a blue suit – he won world title 3 times, but that were before it were played at er...Sheffield Wednesday at The Crucifix theatre, I remember that it didn´t finish until half six in´t morning, I remember inviting milkman in to watch the last frame, and we toasted Naylor´s victory with a glass of gold top, and a strawberry yoghurt."
Tune into "TheTurner and Holt Sports Spectacular" on FabFMSpain 99.5FM or on the internet on http://www.fabfmspain.com/ 5-7pm saturdays (or 4-6pm British time)
Thursday, 7 January 2010
New Years Eve
Would like to thank all our members what turned up to our New years Eve fancy dress party on new years Eve. We once again had a capacity turn out in the best room and prizes for best fancy dress went to Mozzer Littlemore (Tina Turner), Dave from Alcudia (wore a pair of red combinations but not sure who he was meant to be), and club steward Nigel and Yvonne who came as Robin Hudd and Maid Marriot. We also had a snow man, a penguin and a bloke with a long coat and white face, which was very good.
I performed my duties until “Auld Lang Syne” whereby I vacated the stage to let the celebrations commence. Unfortunately my wife Elsie didn´t make it due to rheumatoid dartitis. It´s a shame is that cos she´d spent ages making that big fat Christmas pudding outfit – amazingly when she put it on – she didn´t look any different.
I performed my duties until “Auld Lang Syne” whereby I vacated the stage to let the celebrations commence. Unfortunately my wife Elsie didn´t make it due to rheumatoid dartitis. It´s a shame is that cos she´d spent ages making that big fat Christmas pudding outfit – amazingly when she put it on – she didn´t look any different.
Sunday, 13 December 2009
New Christmas Tree
The Club is now closed until the 17th December, as we are having a new ballcock fitted in the Gents and it is taking longer than we expected (typical).
As some of you are already aware I was asked to switch on the chrismas lights this year! - in our front room.
Elsie said that she wanted a real tree this year after the little silver one with the plastic base that we had given to celebrate the Queens silver jubilee finally gave up the ghost. Charlie from the allotments said he could get me one on the cheap "If I didn´t ask too many questions", and he delivered it this week as good as his word. It seems to have suffered a bit on its journey (on the roof rack of his Smart Car), and maybe he shouldn´t have taken it through the car wash - I don´t know. He´d forgotten it were up there aparently, but never mind it´s buffed up the needles a treat and it were probably in need of a good clean anyway.
I sneaked into the caravan when Elsie were doing her shift at the sandwich shop and had it upright and got the lights working eventually after a bit o bother wi´t electrics. It were all worth it though cos when she got in from work she took one look at it and burst into tears - with the emotion of it all I expect.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Fiestas Fancy Dress Party
Thank you to all those who turned up to our fancy dress party on thursday - it was a good do. Unfortunately my wife Elsie who had got dressed up as hedgehog did not make it to the club as she was run over. This came off the back of an unfortunate argument we had on Remembrance Day when I borrowed some money off her to buy a poppy. - But I'm skint - lest we forget! I got myself dressed up as Ed Stewart and my rendition of "Do ya think I'm sexy" was the talk of the tap room. To see the film of this on "boob tube" click this --
Thanks to Nigel who came as steward Peter Wyngarde and Yvonne (Tina Turner I think) who once again put the time in To ensure that a good time was had by all (except Elsie).
A letter has been forwarded to the council Concerning the dog mess in the street.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Article From the "Cumberland Claptrap" - Our Club Journal
YORKSHIRE COUPLE IN CHARITY BIKE RIDE.
Two of our members Sid and Pauline rolled into town in style on a motorbike and sidecar as part of a charity bike ride from their homes in Beeston. They were triumphant on their arrival here at the Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club after an arduous 2 week journey. Sid was philosophical, “We´d expected it to take us about 5 days but Pauline´s a bit suspect on the old map reading and I think we went the long way round to be honest. Put it this way, I didn´t expect to be tootling around the Scottish Borders, - I thought it were getting colder instead of warmer but the wife insisted we were ont right track even when we stopped to ask for directions and this bloke in a kilt gave us a load of abuse, pissed up to the eyeballs he were and we couldn´t tell a word he were saying, - Pauline insisted he were French. All in all it took us the best part of a week to get to Dover.
We stopped at Dunkirk briefly which brought some very painful memories back for me. - It were here where I were shunted up the arse by an Onion seller on his pushbike when I were in me Bubble car in 1965. There shallots all over´t road, we found his beret up a tree and the bubble car was a write off. We were on our honeymoon that time, though in actual fact we´d got lost then an all and we should have been in Morecambe.
It were pretty plain sailing after that, the only thing being that I´d forgot to drive on the right hand side o´t road until we got to Barcelona, I wondered why all the traffic had been tooting at me, I thought it were cos of the motorbike and sidecar, Pauline loved it and spent all her time waving back.” I ask who´s is the child in the front basket, and they look a little sheepish. “I wish we knew” says Pauline. We parked up the bike here outside the club and there she was sat in the front basket like a little raffle prize. We´ve no idea of who she is or where she came from, - we´re thinking of calling her “Hamper”.
We stopped at Dunkirk briefly which brought some very painful memories back for me. - It were here where I were shunted up the arse by an Onion seller on his pushbike when I were in me Bubble car in 1965. There shallots all over´t road, we found his beret up a tree and the bubble car was a write off. We were on our honeymoon that time, though in actual fact we´d got lost then an all and we should have been in Morecambe.
It were pretty plain sailing after that, the only thing being that I´d forgot to drive on the right hand side o´t road until we got to Barcelona, I wondered why all the traffic had been tooting at me, I thought it were cos of the motorbike and sidecar, Pauline loved it and spent all her time waving back.” I ask who´s is the child in the front basket, and they look a little sheepish. “I wish we knew” says Pauline. We parked up the bike here outside the club and there she was sat in the front basket like a little raffle prize. We´ve no idea of who she is or where she came from, - we´re thinking of calling her “Hamper”.
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Potting Shed Razed To The Ground
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Well it´s been a traumatic time up the allotment this past few weeks right enough. First we had a deluge of rain which caused no end of heartache. The results were – Broad beans – ruined, Green Beans – decimated, and wife – flattened (it were windy an all). I were just getting things together again when I were roused by Charlie Barrett (who has the next plot to me) at 7 o’clock this morning to tell me my potting shed was on fire. I was still in bed at the time, but rushed straight down there and the scene before me beggared belief, the fireball had devoured the shed and had made a start on me Sweet Peas. I ate what I could, as I didn´t have any Tupperware on me to sam em up in and then watched in horror as the shed that I´d built myself (from a kit) disintegrated before my eyes and in no time at all was reduced to a pile of ashes.
The only things that survived were me garden fork, a tin of corn plasters and an old world war 1 tin helmet what I used to wear when it rained. Bernie Glossop who has the plot at the other side swiftly moved into action - and quickly put a couple of spuds in the embers (he said it seemed a pity to waste em). Thank you Bernard.
I stood there dumbfounded thinking of all the happy times I´d had in there. – like the time when I supped a half pint pot of lawnmower petrol mistaking it for Charlie´s home brew. (As it turned out the petrol was smoother, was easier on the nose, and had a better head on it an all).
I couldn´t take it in and I don´t mind telling you that I had a lump in my throat at that point (the jacket taties were proving difficult to digest). There will be a lengthy grieving process no doubt, it´s not easy to get over summat like this. I just hope they catch the buggers who did this that´s all, I´m sure in my own mind that it´s arson, it´s got to be, - I probably DID leave the paraffin heater on, but I´m always doing that and nowt´s ever come of it before and Charlie´s always tapping out his pipe out into my wellingtons, but that´s just a joke. No, it´ll be that family from across the road, they´ve allus had it for me just cos I shot their hamster when I found it nibbling at me herbaceous border.
I stood there dumbfounded thinking of all the happy times I´d had in there. – like the time when I supped a half pint pot of lawnmower petrol mistaking it for Charlie´s home brew. (As it turned out the petrol was smoother, was easier on the nose, and had a better head on it an all).
I couldn´t take it in and I don´t mind telling you that I had a lump in my throat at that point (the jacket taties were proving difficult to digest). There will be a lengthy grieving process no doubt, it´s not easy to get over summat like this. I just hope they catch the buggers who did this that´s all, I´m sure in my own mind that it´s arson, it´s got to be, - I probably DID leave the paraffin heater on, but I´m always doing that and nowt´s ever come of it before and Charlie´s always tapping out his pipe out into my wellingtons, but that´s just a joke. No, it´ll be that family from across the road, they´ve allus had it for me just cos I shot their hamster when I found it nibbling at me herbaceous border.
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