New Christmas Tree

The Club is now closed until the 17th December, as we are having a new ballcock fitted in the Gents and it is taking longer than we expected (typical).

As some of you are already aware I was asked to switch on the chrismas lights this year! - in our front room.

Elsie said that she wanted a real tree this year after the little silver one with the plastic base that we had given to celebrate the Queens silver jubilee finally gave up the ghost. Charlie from the allotments said he could get me one on the cheap "If I didn´t ask too many questions", and he delivered it this week as good as his word. It seems to have suffered a bit on its journey (on the roof rack of his Smart Car), and maybe he shouldn´t have taken it through the car wash - I don´t know. He´d forgotten it were up there aparently, but never mind it´s buffed up the needles a treat and it were probably in need of a good clean anyway.

I sneaked into the caravan when Elsie were doing her shift at the sandwich shop and had it upright and got the lights working eventually after a bit o bother wi´t electrics. It were all worth it though cos when she got in from work she took one look at it and burst into tears - with the emotion of it all I expect.

Fiestas Fancy Dress Party

Thank you to all those who turned up to our fancy dress party on thursday - it was a good do. Unfortunately my wife Elsie who had got dressed up as hedgehog did not make it to the club as she was run over. This came off the back of an unfortunate argument we had on Remembrance Day when I borrowed some money off her to buy a poppy. - But I'm skint - lest we forget!

I got myself dressed up as Ed Stewart and my rendition of "Do ya think I'm sexy" was the talk of the tap room. To see the film of this on "boob tube" click this --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSoyYDrFuCw

Thanks to Nigel who came as steward Peter Wyngarde and Yvonne (Tina Turner I think) who once again put the time in To ensure that a good time was had by all (except Elsie).

A letter has been forwarded to the council Concerning the dog mess in the street.

Article From the "Cumberland Claptrap" - Our Club Journal

YORKSHIRE COUPLE IN CHARITY BIKE RIDE.

Two of our members Sid and Pauline rolled into town in style on a motorbike and sidecar as part of a charity bike ride from their homes in Beeston. They were triumphant on their arrival here at the Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club after an arduous 2 week journey. Sid was philosophical, “We´d expected it to take us about 5 days but Pauline´s a bit suspect on the old map reading and I think we went the long way round to be honest. Put it this way, I didn´t expect to be tootling around the Scottish Borders, - I thought it were getting colder instead of warmer but the wife insisted we were ont right track even when we stopped to ask for directions and this bloke in a kilt gave us a load of abuse, pissed up to the eyeballs he were and we couldn´t tell a word he were saying, - Pauline insisted he were French. All in all it took us the best part of a week to get to Dover.
We stopped at Dunkirk briefly which brought some very painful memories back for me. - It were here where I were shunted up the arse by an Onion seller on his pushbike when I were in me Bubble car in 1965. There shallots all over´t road, we found his beret up a tree and the bubble car was a write off. We were on our honeymoon that time, though in actual fact we´d got lost then an all and we should have been in Morecambe.
It were pretty plain sailing after that, the only thing being that I´d forgot to drive on the right hand side o´t road until we got to Barcelona, I wondered why all the traffic had been tooting at me, I thought it were cos of the motorbike and sidecar, Pauline loved it and spent all her time waving back.” I ask who´s is the child in the front basket, and they look a little sheepish. “I wish we knew” says Pauline. We parked up the bike here outside the club and there she was sat in the front basket like a little raffle prize. We´ve no idea of who she is or where she came from, - we´re thinking of calling her “Hamper”.

Potting Shed Razed To The Ground

Well it´s been a traumatic time up the allotment this past few weeks right enough. First we had a deluge of rain which caused no end of heartache. The results were – Broad beans – ruined, Green Beans – decimated, and wife – flattened (it were windy an all). I were just getting things together again when I were roused by Charlie Barrett (who has the next plot to me) at 7 o’clock this morning to tell me my potting shed was on fire. I was still in bed at the time, but rushed straight down there and the scene before me beggared belief, the fireball had devoured the shed and had made a start on me Sweet Peas. I ate what I could, as I didn´t have any Tupperware on me to sam em up in and then watched in horror as the shed that I´d built myself (from a kit) disintegrated before my eyes and in no time at all was reduced to a pile of ashes.

The only things that survived were me garden fork, a tin of corn plasters and an old world war 1 tin helmet what I used to wear when it rained. Bernie Glossop who has the plot at the other side swiftly moved into action - and quickly put a couple of spuds in the embers (he said it seemed a pity to waste em). Thank you Bernard.
I stood there dumbfounded thinking of all the happy times I´d had in there. – like the time when I supped a half pint pot of lawnmower petrol mistaking it for Charlie´s home brew. (As it turned out the petrol was smoother, was easier on the nose, and had a better head on it an all).
I couldn´t take it in and I don´t mind telling you that I had a lump in my throat at that point (the jacket taties were proving difficult to digest). There will be a lengthy grieving process no doubt, it´s not easy to get over summat like this. I just hope they catch the buggers who did this that´s all, I´m sure in my own mind that it´s arson, it´s got to be, - I probably DID leave the paraffin heater on, but I´m always doing that and nowt´s ever come of it before and Charlie´s always tapping out his pipe out into my wellingtons, but that´s just a joke. No, it´ll be that family from across the road, they´ve allus had it for me just cos I shot their hamster when I found it nibbling at me herbaceous border.

August Reunion - Blackpool Central Bowling Club.

Also see Kevin Holt´s Blog - www.benidormclassbceleb.blogspot.com

End Of Season Adress

Fellow mebers, ¿As sum of you are maybee aware my wyfe elsy usually does my tiping. But as usual for the end of season adress I aM going to tipe this miself.,.*^`{I wud like to tank all our slaff at the “Cuberland Tex Srvicmens Klub for a highly sucksesfool treason this tyme around, wee have now morethan 600··# mebers and a fare few of them are laffable

and all rouwnd nice people ¡We had a an End of seasons barbeque on toosday !!which was well attended and we haD turns on.A very poor comelian who i have forgotten and a Vetrilicwist called roger de corset and Wooky bear. ==I think that mabee he was drUnk cos the bare was slerring his words and made jokes about my wife´s goat ++ ..She wasnt best fleased to say the leased and she didn´t lick the stripper either. We all lik a laff and a coke but he went over the toop.I wod lik to tank Edith MerYDITH for making the buffy it was luvly´&%%” and i enjoyed the sausage scrolls and my wife liked the sherry rifle. Our stewart Nigel made a speech that was well percieved, - what a prick

ly response though when he mentioned the probleM with the doorman – we havent got won.”·€@ and in it he tanked the comity for all there effort, and there weedy response to the ?¿crisis wen the club was in rouble. ·$%&¬€it´s with a minge of sadness However thAt I speek now though, for me, personelly, as my wyfe Elsy recently had a wild stroke, and one of my pigeons was salvaged by a dog. )(The pigeon “Jaunty Jack” had been innocently pecking awat at some willet in his loft when this jack russet came from next doot and salvaged him in the bottom

tier of the loft, leaving him witH a bad back. Lookily it did not prove natal and he is now on the bend.wee will be having a new resident in October and then next yeer a new VICE resident. Pleese ensure that you attend the meeetings as we will bee holding an erection in Febroorary.I will bee taking a rest now for a bit. But my nephew kevinn Holt is about to embalm on a gorilla charity treck. See his latest progres on http://www.thecampinggorilla.blogspot.com/I will be chairing the reunion dinner in august in blacpool for details and other tings see http://www.cumberlandbarbenidorm.com/kinD Regards THe COncert Chairman “**%

Presentation Night 2008/09 Season

Last Thursday night´s annual prize giving evening was a huge success, our function room was full to capacity, Yvonne did a cracking job with the buffet, and his royal highness the Prince Of Wales kindly agreed to stand in for Syd little to hand out the trophies when Syd suddenly realized he was seriously ill. The Prince was on his way down to Marbella for a Polo match and had popped in for a livener and a game of snooker after his driver had taken badly with the “Two Bob Bits”. I reminded the Prince that this was actually the second time we had met, the first when he had opened a new disabled toilet at an engineering firm where I worked in the early seventies. On that occasion I had presented him with the scissors for him to cut the ribbon from around the ballcock, and he swore and then dropped them, - not surprising really as we had heated em up two minutes before with a blow torch.It was a bit embarrassing really as we didn´t actually have any disabled employees at that time (we tested pogo sticks for the toy firm “Chad valley”), and when Charles insisted on seeing the facility in operation our foreman Charlie Pickering had to pretend to only have one arm, which meant that when he sat on the pot he couldn´t reach the toilet paper. I was delighted when the Prince remembered this and told him of our plight with the presentation night. He said he would be delighted to help out, just as long as I took him for a game of Bowls later.Although many of our members were hugely disappointed that Mr. Little couldn´t attend, they were grateful that Charles took the trouble to step in, even though they didn´t recognise him.Trophies were handed to the members of our Dominoes team who reached the play-offs by finishing in 8th position. Their plight was helped somewhat by the bottom 2 of the 10 teams in the league dropping out pending an inquiry into match fixing allegations. Also, hats off to our ladies football team who collected the bronze medal in the “St. Miguel Tri-Team Challenge”. Other notable achievements were the winner of “Guess how many pork pies we sell on Friday night” competition which was won by Bob Wickes (The Butcher), and Harry Snodgrass who won “The Worst Dressed Snooker Player Of The Year” when he played against the “Spread Eagle” B team wearing a vest and a bald cardigan.
http://www.benidormclassbceleb.blogspot.com/
http://www.kevinholt.net/