November Fiestas

I would like to thank all of our members that turned up for fancy dress day at the club last Thursday. I would like to thank all of you personally, but I´m not sure who was who to be honest. I know that the bloke who looked like Charles 2^nd was our steward, and our stewardess came as Juliet Bravo, but that´s about it. Personally, I came as rock legend Freddie Garrity, - no hang on, that´s not right, - I mean Freddie Mercury from the famous pop group “The Queens” – so called cos they were all homosexual probably. It´s a shame my wife Elsie couldn´t make it in the end through ill health, as she´d spent an age making that Rudolph Hess costume up, but she said she might get some wear out of it when she attends the senior citizens novelty bring and buy sale at the church hall on Friday. The day went off without a hitch in the main, apart from Max Wall laddering his tights and Coco the clown being sexually assaulted by the Pink Panther.

Article from the latest issue of the "Cumberland Claptrap" - our club journal

Two of our members, Sid and Pauline Dunhill have made it to the semi finals of TV´s favourite “Strictly Come Dancing” competition. After a particularly gruelling practice session whereby I watched a surprisingly youthful looking Sid lift Pauline up by the gusset of her tights and swing her round his head a couple of times before expertly perch her on his shoulder – before she fell off. “She´s bloody useless” jokes Sid.” I told her it was gonna be hard work was this, but she insisted on having a go. She just wanted to see if the old magic was still there (She was the All-Beeston Hopskotch runner up of 1945/46 season). But basically I think she just wanted to meet up with Bruce Forsyth again. Not many people know that we appeared on the “Generation game” back in the 70´s. That were a right laugh were that. We had to make this Christmas pudding or summat – I forget now, but we got in a right state. Ended up with icing sugar all over, I do remember that some mysteriously ended up on Anthea Redfern´s breasts – I got a right bollocking for that – from Pauline AND Bruce, - cos he were knocking her off at the time if I remember rightly. Anyway the senile old sod didn´t remember us when we turned up on the set for “Strictly” last week, even though we introduced ourselves as “Mr. And Mrs. Dunhill from Beeston”, which was how Anthea had introduced us back then. I reminded him about the Christmas pudding and everything bit he just stared blankly at us. To be honest he´s been a right misery ever since we turned up here, and he´s been a bloody nuisance with the women, - hanging around each and every one of em like a fly round a cow´s arse”.

Pauline is obviously excited as she eagerly tells me about her day. “Oh, it´s been marvellous, don´t listen to Sid, Bruce has been lovely, - he´s just jealous. All because he caught me and Brucie – as I call him, linked arms outside the television centre. I tried to tell Sid that I were just walking him across the road to the bus stop, but he were having none of it. I got to dance with him an all, and what a mover he is for a man of his age, and so charming. He told me it was “Nice to see me – to see me nice”, and then asked me to “Give us a twirl”. I was in heaven, we got on like a house on fire and I´ve invited him to the “Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club” reunion in Blackpool next year, - and he giggled when I said that we could have a Foxtrot to Reginald Dixon at the mighty Wurlitzer in the Tower Ballroom. He said he would do but he wasn´t too keen on Blackpool. – Because it tends to be so windy, and he said that the odd time he´s been there he´s had to tie a bootlace around his head to keep his wig on – aarh bless!”

You can see Sid and Pauline this week on “Slightly Come Dancing” BBC1 – 9pm.

Dominoes Team Annual Trip

As usual we had our annual trip for our dominoes team, what we have every year. We have had some great do´s over the years, in recent years we´ve been to Albir Buff Club, and then last year we went to a Bullfight. – That were a mistake actually, I misread the leaflet, I thought it said “Bunfight” – we were going to do our bit for “Comic Relief” you see. Felt a bit ridiculous as it happens when we turned up in the middle of summer in those see through pac-a-mac´s what you can get in the Chinese shops and half a pound of Vanilla Slices, but anyway.

Club funds have been very low this year and we couldn´t afford owt fancy, so Charlie Barrett kindly said we could use at his allotment. – Luckily he brews his own ale, and now he´s started making his own wine. I think he even treads the grapes himself. I say this cos when Wilf Naylor tried some he choked on a corn plaster and next day a verruca sprouted up on the end of his nose.

A good day was had by all. We had a couple by the compost heap where Charlie gave a small talk on manure and the preparation there of, he then showed us some runner beans before we retired to his potting shed to watch “Carry on camping” on a small projector he´s got in there.

All the lads on the team would like to thank Charlie for his time and effort, and we would all especially like to thank Charlie´s wife Annie – for staying out of the way.

Blackpool Reunion Photos

Once again it were a right good turn out and I would like to thank all our members for making an effort.

Fruit and Vegetable Show and Stripper Complaints.

I would like to thank all of you and all of your efforts this year I would especially like to thank


The stripper who appeared at this club of Saturday last has unfortunately resulted in a number of complaints, he was

Charlie Barrett who organised our fruit and vegetable show last Sunday. We are happy to report a good turnout for this and would like to thank our judge Harry Fielding who judged the tomatoes and was

Strutting around naked whilst using foul and abusive language. I would like to point out that I was

happy to help out with the plums as well. Arthur Jessop who celebrated his 80th birthday this year, attained the runners up rosette for his radishes and was accompanied by his wife who was

truly appalled at his behaviour. He ran amok through the audience whilst waving his private parts in the air, and was eventually rugby tackled by Stan Etherington by the domino table, who was

standing proudly by his side, whilst they had their photograph taken. The prize for best spring onions went to Alf Ramage who was also

a little out of breath after his exertions not surprisingly. The stripper then dragged Hilda Olroyd on to the stage who was blindfolded and was humiliated and then

elated with his rhubarb, which came second. We would also like to thank the lady mayoress for presenting some of the prizes. She was serenaded by local school children, shown around the cake stall before being

beaten around the head with a sex toy. Things got so bad that somebody phoned the police, who were taken to the concert room and

shown Jim Spencer´s pickled onions. She complimented Ethel Tomlinson on her chutney and sampled Harry Crump´s home made wine before she

led him away in handcuffs, but then he

had a scone and a cup of tea with the vicars wife. She was then briefly introduced to our president who

ran around taunting the constable with his testicles cupped in the palm of his hand. We would like to apologise wholeheartedly for this, and would like to promise all our members it will never happen again.

then had to attend a pigeon meeting.

P.S I have just realised that some sort of administrative error has occured here and somehow the 2 seperate reports have been inter linked. So you have to read all the red writing together and then the white writing, otherwise it doesn´t make sense. We hope that this hasn´t led to undue confusion.
Regards, The Concert Chairman.

1966 And All That

This is an article from our club journal, “The Cumberland Claptrap” which uses a transcript of a conversation between our club steward Nigel and our concert chairman which took place on the radio recently. They were discussing the fact that world cup matches were this year being shown in the club, and it wasn´t long before our1966 triumph cropped up.

“So Mr. Chairman, do you remember that glorious day in 1966?”

“Remember it!? remember it? – I was there I think you´ll find! though I couldn´t see bugger all cos I was sat behind that bloke that turned up to all of Englands games wearing a bloody great top hat and waving a Union Jack. I remember when the final whistle went and shouting down to Nobby Stiles – “Nobby lad, put tha teeth in, tha´s gonna meet queen in a minute”. – Well, he just chuckled and reached inside his shorts and pulled out his dentures which were wrapped in his hanky and gave this great big smile he did. Of course I knew all the lads personally, - they used to come in our club regular of a Sunday dinner time, Alf Ramsey used to come in first, a very quiet bloke he was with a posh voice, allus used to sit in the corner of the games room with a port and lemon and criticise the tactics used by the lads as they played snooker. The Charlton brothers allus drank Newcastle Brown, Martin Peters used to ghost into the snug with a vodka and tonic and Gordon Banks used to like his cider. I remember one of the lads used to head a packet of crisps to him and he´d throw himself of his stool and tip it over the bar, that were his party piece were that. I also remember that Alan Ball drank Britvik orange cos one of the committee found out he weren´t old enough to drink, Bobby Moore liked his lager and Jimmy Greaves drank, well.........everything really. They always said that they would win the world cup just for me, and when they did they would bring it to the club and put it in our trophy cabinet. Anyway, they were as good as their word, and a couple of days after the final in they came with the world cup in an old duffle bag. A good night was had by all and on his way home Jimmy Greaves stopped at the side of the road, put the world cup under a bush and then had a piss. Unfortunately he left the cup there and if it wasn´t for Reg Brown´s dog “Pickles” (he liked his Picalilly did Reg), finding it during his next morning´s constitutional it´d be still there to this day – great times. I´m the one behind Bobby Moore in the photo which was given to me (and signed) by Nobby Stiles."

Club Turns

I´ve been lining up some top turns for our club, we auditioned “Screaming lord Beaverbrook and his bonking bullocks”, and “Terry Titlock – stage chicken sexer” just last week but they weren´t really suitable. Over the years I´ve worked with all the modern greats, such household names as Charlie Flange, Mungo Dumpling, “Victor Splattergun – the human cowpat” and Bernie Clifton. So I know talent when I see it, but if truth be known there´s not a lot out there. So, if you are a club turn, and you wish to work at our club – please fill in this multiple choice application form –

1. You are singing a ballad when one of our members comes to the front of the stage and drops his trousers. Do you -

(a) Drop YOUR trousers.

(b) Sing “Little stick of Blackpool rock”

(c) Say “That reminds me, I must buy some of those button mushrooms from Morrisons”

2. Our Concert secretary insists on singing “My Way” in the middle of your spot, do you –

(a) Tell him that would be a wonderful idea and hand him the microphone.

(b) Say that maybe it would be best if you sang the song.

(c) Simply ignore him, turn to a member of the audience and mouth the word “tosser” when you think he isn´t looking.

3. You are sat on the toilet when suddenly and without warning our concert chairman announces you to the stage for your second spot. Do you –

(a) Finish your doings, before calmly washing your hands, walking into the concert room and taking your place on stage to desultory applause because our audience have been kept waiting.

(b) Pretend you haven´t heard him and just sit there despairing of the day you ever took up the entertainment business.

(c) Nip it off, scramble to the door whilst pulling up your underpants, run on to stage red faced, snatch the microphone from our chairman whilst calling him a “useless bastard” under your breath.

4. Our keyboard player and drummer are pissed, and are making a complete pigs ear of your opening song. Do you –

(a) Fumble along blindly until you get to a bit that you vaguely recognize and then join in half heartedly.

(b) Turn around abruptly, and insist that they start again, - this time from the beginning.

(c) Throw down the microphone, march over to the drummer (who is generally the more pissed of the two), pull down his trousers and ram one of the drumsticks up his bum piece.

5. Some infuriating parent is encouraging her little brat of a 5 year old son to dance right in front of you whilst you are performing. Do you –

(a) Smile at them both, and start dancing with the infant.

(b) Pretend you haven´t seen either of them and slyly move to the other side of the stage and sing there.

(c) Grab hold of the snotty nosed oik by his grubby little chav top and drop kick him towards the fire exit.

6. You have just died an absolute death, and at the conclusion of your 45 minute set, even though there isn´t even the merest hint of even a smattering of applause, our Concert Chairman insists you do an encore. Do you –

(a) Inwardly squirm like an eel in a vat of cooking fat, but smile graciously and knock out one last song which seems to take about half an hour to sing.

(b) Shake your head vigorously from the wings mouthing the words “I don´t bloody think so” and hope he gets the message.

(c) Blow a giant raspberry down the microphone and protrude your right arm from behind the curtain revealing a clenched fist with your middle finger stuck steadfastly upwards.

7. You arrive at the club on time but our concert secretary insists that you are an hour late and threatens to dock half of your money. Do you –

(a) Politely inform him that this was the time you were informed to turn up and show him a copy of the email from your agent.

(b) Tell him he is wanted on the phone, and when his back is turned smile to yourself and go and get changed.

(c) Burst a blood vessel, scream in his face that he hasn´t got a clue what he´s talking about, then quickly manoeuvre behind him and garrotte him with his own tie.

8. You have just been informed that the dressing room is out of bounds because of a burst pipe and you have to get changed in the toilets. Do you –

(a) Resign yourself to having to hop about on one leg splashing about in pools of urine whilst trying to keep your trousers dry.

(b) Ask if it´s possible to per chance get changed somewhere else, preferably somewhere where there isn´t someone sat at the side of you “taking his ease”.

(c) Waltz straight round to the coat rack, pick up the concert secretary´s scarf and flush it down the bog.

9. One of the committee is having a noisy conversation about his pigeons whilst playing the fruit machine about 3 feet from where you are standing, whilst another committee man peers over his shoulder and predictably says “Hold yer plums”. Do you –

(a) Pretend you haven´t heard it and pick a loud song that will drown out the chatter.

(b) Force a laugh, and then sing “Money, money,money” by Abba.

(c) Say, “No,- let me do that” before reaching over and grabbing his testicles in a vice like grip, before twisting them round, leaving him contorted and gasping for air on the tiled floor.

10. You have a serious accident in the dressing room, breaking your arm. This has happened because the one chair in the dressing room which had only been placed there by the concert secretary because it had several loose screws and was too dangerous for our members to sit on, had given way when you plonked your rear end on it. Do you –

(a) Take a couple of pain killers, and gallantly go ahead with the show holding the microphone in your one good hand.

(b) Instruct the committee that you´ve just had about had enough of their slipshod ways and will be phoning “Claims Direct” as soon as you get back from hospital.

(c) Seek out the concert secretary, cornering him in the tap room, gently insert a loaded pistol into his mouth and blow his bloody head off.