The Concert Chairman

"Alf Gets His Sight Back" - Article from our Club Journal "The Cumberland Claptrap"

2012-01-27T12:01:00.000-08:00

The whole of our club was overjoyed when it was announced this week that Alf Tibbins who´s been suffering with cataracts since he got his first one in the early 90´s can now see again – And the first thing he did when he regained his sight - was to file for a divorce! Alf takes up the story.

“The thing is when the old eyesight started giving way Mary weren´t wearing too badly at the time and she looked alright, not stunning exactly but alright. Then, when I came round after the operation she came to visit me in hospital. Me sight were a bit blurry at first but gradually the eyes started to clear, I squinted for a bit, slowly started to focus on her face, - and it were apparent that she´s turned into a right old boiler. I tried to ignore it but she could sense I weren´t best pleased as she handed me over some grapes. Don´t get me wrong she´s still a nice person and everything it´s just that I can´t see meself trying to rifle through her drawers any time soon, it´s a shame but there you go”. His wife of 35 years and constant companion through all his trials and tribulations remained defiant last night.

“That´s charming that is, after all I´ve done for that man, I couldn´t believe it when I drove him home and he asked me drop him off at the newsagents so he could buy a Daily Mirror and a Penthouse magazine. Obviously I´m pleased for him that his eyesight has come back but it gets my back up when he spends all day lusting after Carol Vorderman and Jane McDonald on “Loose Women”. I don´t know who the hell he thinks he is, he´s obviously not got round to looking in the mirror yet, - he´s hardly Robert Redford his self – Robert Robinson more like!”

Editors note: Robert Robinson was the excrutiating bald ginger bloke who chaired “Ask The Family” in the 70´s. - Below, an unrepentant Alf last night.

The Pensioners Christmas Trip.

2012-01-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

Article taken from our club journal - "The Cumberland Claptrap".
This years event was held at “John and Josephs” eatery and was very well attended. Bob Tinkerton our treasurer gave a small speech welcoming all our senior members before clutching at his stomach and collapsing on top of the gravy boat. His wife mabel was most put out. “I´m most put out” she said afterwards, “That gravy will never come out”. Fellow club member Nat Burrows was equally unimpressed. "My turkey was definitely a bit suspect, it was brown for one thing and appeared to have a tail, I complained to the waiter that the sprouts were a bit undercooked an all, and to be fair he very kindly came back with a blow lamp, - but we couldn´t get it lit. The christmas pudding was black and smelt of cheese."

Sheila Badcock the party organiser defended the choice of venue and speaking from her hospital bed said, “Well it´s very good value for money I think, it´s true that one or two complained about the odd thing here and there, but overall it was a huge success, or at least that was what I was told by the four people who were still sat upright when the pudding arrived”.

Ted Eccles.

Touching Nativity Play.

2011-12-19T07:26:00.000-08:00

As is usual at the festive season we hark back to 2007 when, due to some of our members over indulging themselves we ended up with a farcical Nativity Play.

What follows is an exact account of what came out on the night, rather than the scripted version, which sadly went out of the window at an early stage. We especially apologise to the members of the local day centre who unfortunately walked out in the interval. (without their carers in many cases)."
NATIVITY PLAY.
SCENE 1
{The three shepherds played by Joe Scraggs, Bob Merryman and “Chimp” Simpkins are dressed in blankets tied up with string and are stood between two stuffed sheep}
[Narrator]
“And so it came to pass in a field on the outskirts of Bethlehem that there was a crash of thunder, the clouds parted and an image of the angel Gabrielle appeared before three terrified shepherds.”

{The angel Gabrielle, played by Marjorie Threapleton is stood on top of the snooker table wearing a blanket, a halo made from an old coat hanger and bacofoil wings}

“Fear not for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy that shall be to all people. For this day is born to you a saviour who is Christ the lord, thou shall find the infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger. Glory to God in the highest and peace to all men”.
{The shepherds look aghast}
"Can you speak up love, I didn’t catch a word of that, I got the “fear not” bit but couldn’t make out the rest”,
{ his fellow shepherd is busy pouring himself a pint of meade into a rude cup}
“What she say Joe?”
“I dunno, summat about a kid wrapped in goblin clothes and pissed are all men – what you reckon?”
“Could be a fancy dress party I spose – d´you fancy it?”
“I, go on, Beryl’s at the bingo, and the fish shop doesn’t open till half nine, - follow that star!”

{Meanwhile in Bethlehem town centre Mary and Joseph – played by Tommy Fingleton and his wife Dot – approach a stern looking Inn keeper}
SCENE 2.
{The foyer – The Innkeeper (played by the concert chairman) is sat watching a small portable black and white television set which is perched on an old domino table with a beer mat under one leg}

Joseph – “Excuse me please, but I am just a poor carpenter and me and my wife here have been travelling for some hours, we are exhausted, have had little food and we are with child, I’m just wondering, - have you any vacancies?”
Inn Keeper – “What!?, - are you members?”

Joseph; - “No, we’re not I’m afraid, and it’s getting very late”

Inn keeper; - “Too bloody right it is, now piss off!!”

Joseph – “Oh, this is terrible, although we have no money I could per chance knock you up a bed side cabinet our something”

Innkeeper – “Yes, well, as it happens, you’re lucky, - the steward hasn’t tilled up yet and we’re having a lock in, - I’d invite you through to the lounge but we don’t allow kids in the best room I’m afraid.”

{Mary and Joseph skip with elation through the foyer}

Innkeeper – “OW!!, where the hell do you think you’re going with that sodding donkey!, - you’ll have to stick it in the car park, and when you come back in make sure you sign in.”

{Mary and Joseph do as they’re told, but have problems re entering the building when the intercom breaks down}
Innkeeper; - (scrutinizing their signatures in the signing in book)

“Galilee Joiners welfare club eh!?, - not a bad little club that. My sister Jean used to do the sarnies on games night there, - they’re not that keen on bacon apparently."

{The Innkeeper introduces the stricken couple to the steward and a couple of committee men at the bar}

SCENE 3 {The lounge bar – a gathering of local members, - red nosed portly men wrapped in bed sheets with tea towels on their heads}

Joseph – “I am very pleased to meet you, I am Joseph, and this is my wife the virgin Mary”
{there’s a guffaw of laughter}

Committee man. – “Yeh, right!, - a virgin at sixty! – av you heard this Nigel? - her legs must have been together longer than "Status Quo" for god’s sake!!”

Mary; - “Ah, yes, well anyway, we were wondering if you could let us stay for the night, if your rooms are full, then maybe the barn?”

Steward; - “We haven’t got one of them love, but if you’re desperate you could always rough it in the cellar, it will muffle the kids squawking a bit and you can even stick the donkey in there as long as you promise to clear up the mess. Mind you, you’ll have to be out in the morning , I’ve got Tetleys round first thing and I don’t want reporting to the brewery.”

{Just then there is a knock on the door, and the three shepherds arrive stamping their feet and blowing into their hands, as the Inn keeper impatiently peers through the window and opens the door}.

1st shepherd;- “Good evening kind sir, this indeed is the most glorious of occasions – do you know you’re in the presence of the lord?”

Inkeeper; (rolling his eyes upward) “Oh Christ, Jehovas witnesses, that’s all we need!, I bought a watchtower from you lot the last time you came on the proviso that you’d give me a wide berth in future, let me guess, - we’re all gonna die in 2015!?

2nd Shepherd – “No, no you miss understand, the child on your premises, that is the son of god!”

Inn keeper – “What!, with ginger hair, I don’t bloody well think so!. Well. You’d better come in I suppose, you’ll have to take your sandals off mind, we’ve just mopped up.”

{There is another knock on the door – it’s the three kings, played by Tommy Etherigton, Nobby Clarke and “Piggy” Greenfield}

Inn keeper – “Oh for f…….!!, who the hell’s this?, - it’s like Picadilly circus round ere tonight.”

{The Innkeeper scowls at the first king dressed in a curly wig, stripy night shirt and slippers}

Innkeeper – “Come on then wee willy winky, let’s be having you, best come in and take the weight off yer lantern, - what is it?”

1st King – “Where is he who is born king of the Jews?, for we have seen his star in the east and have come to adore him.

Inkeeper – “Yes, yes, whatever,- the sprogg’s in the cellar”

{The Innkeeper sighs as the second of the three kings hangs his crown on the dartboard light}

Inkeeper – “Its all bollocks is this!!!, all this shite about some kid born to be king, - you’re only round here cos you’ve heard we’re having a lock in – come on, be honest!”

3rd King – “We have travelled many miles on camel from far away in the east, and ask only to see the infant”

{The Innkeeper muses for a second, seemingly weakening to their plight}

The Inkeeper – “On camel you say? – can’t say it surprises me, - it’s a hell of a job to get a taxi round here on Christmas Eve at the best of times. You best come in, but there’s no free ale mind, we don’t want the police round here again – we’ve already got a stray donkey in the car park and a couple of gypo´s down the cellar thank you very much.”

{One of the shepherds goes over to the three kings to make his acquaintance}.

Shepherd 1 – “Alright lads, hows it going?, we’ve just got ere ourselves and there’s nowt much happening I’m afraid, - haven’t seen hide nor hair of a sausage roll or a volavont and they’re a bit shy of getting behind the bar an all. I see you’ve brought your own”.
{He said motioning towards the box in the first king´s hands.}

1st king. – “No, actually this is myrrh”

Shepherd 1 – “Is that that Egyptian lager?”

1st king – “Yes, it’s a gift for the infant”

Shepherd 1 – “I wouldn’t waste it on him if I were you, don’t think he would appreciate it somehow, me on the other hand, - I think I’ve got me tankard here somewhere.”

{The Inn keeper shouts down the cellar}

Inn keeper – “OW! Nigel, it’s heaving up here, what do you want me to do?, - shall I re-open the bar, I’ve got thirsty shepherds, three wise men or kings or whatever they call themselves, and they’ve brought with them gold, frankincense and Myrrh.”

The Steward. – “Well you can get shot of them buggers for starters, they were crap last time – paid em off after twenty minutes, - “Pickety Witch” tribute band if I remember rightly.”

Inn keeper – “Uh?”

The Steward. - “Aren’t they that bloody awful trio we had on for the pigeon do last year? – what do they look like?”

Inn keeper – “Well, they’re sort of small boxes wrapped in Christmas paper with red ribbons tied round em.”

The Steward – “No, that doesn’t ring a bell to be honest.”

The Innkeeper – “They say that they’ve only come to see the child”

The Steward. - “Oh, right. Likely story, - you best send em down anyway.”

SCENE 4. {In the cellar. Mary ,Joseph, the three kings, the shepherds, club steward, the Innkeeper are gathered round an old walkers crisp box}

Shepherd 1 – “He’s a fine looking young man and that’s a fact, He’ll be king of the Jews one day, you’ll see, I can already see an aura around his head”

Innkeeper.- “They’re mosquito’s I think you’ll find, we’ve not had the pest control round for a bit, - well, there was no need after king Herod ordered the slaughtering of all the cockroaches under two years of age, after he found one in his bed – a bit of a temper on him that lad.”

{One of the three kings wanders over to the crisp box, smiles lovingly and inquires of nobody in particular}

King 2 – “Pray tell, what is the child’s name?”

{Just then there is a clatter – The Innkeeper has just tripped over a shepherds crook and lands face down in a pile of donkey droppings with a case of mixers on his back}

Innkeeper – “Jesus Christ all bastard mighty!!!!”

{Without looking up, the King muses}

King 2 – “Mmmm, - it might catch on – not sure about the middle name though”.

{As the Innkeeper wipes himself down with a beer towel one of the shepherds emerges from behind a gas bottle smiling broadly}

Shepherd 3 – “I’ve just got back from the takeaway – no kebabs left – just 5 loaves and 2 fishes, - said they’d deliver in 5 minutes!”

The Steward. – “Nice one! – I’ve just been upstairs and poured us all a rams bladder cup full of best bitter, it’s about time we wet the baby’s head I reckon. – Right then, who’s for a sing song?”

{The happy throng energetically throw themselves into a familiar Christmas carol – sang to the tune of “Once in Royal David’s city”}

“Once in Royal Benidorm city, stood a lowly social club,
Where a mother laid her baby,
Cos there’s no room, - in the pub.
Mary had a half of mild, - a glass of Tizer for the child.

The steward he kindly brought a beer towel, - and wrapped the boy inside of it,
The Inn - keeper took a tumble, swore a lot, – covered all the kings in shit,
The shepherds challenged the kings at darts,
Praise the lord, - all pissed as farts”.

And hence, everybody went on to live happily ever after - (except for Jesus who was crucified).
http://www.kevinholt.net/

From the committee.

2011-11-21T08:21:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank all our members for their full support for our two remembrance services – on remembrance Sunday and remembrance Friday, - Charlie from the allotments couldn´t make either of these and asked if we could have another one at Christmas.

The Siestas were very successful this year with lots of people enduring the festivities, especially the fancy dress tournament which was very well attended by the likes of Sabou, Inspector Clueless, Tubby Brown and some bloke with big tits dressed as a nun. We will be having a party on Sunday to celebrate the fact that we will be closing for the beginning of December.

This week´s meat raffle went unclaimed and will be carried over to the Christmas grand draw. Thank you.

Our first full length feature film.

2011-10-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

Dear members, I would like to thank all members what turned up for our film premiere “Blackpool Reunion 2011 – A fistfull of tossers” and the awards ceremony after, last Sunday. Congratulations go to Paul “Hungry” Humphries for winning the oscar for most ludicrous dive in the Sunday morning football match, Karl King for best director, - though he was the only director so I don´t know how that works, Blue-Nose Trev for best fancy dress, and Yvonne for the bit where she flashed her bloomers on the pier. Also I suppose I must say thank you for my academy award an all for best actor, though I would like to stress that when I was writhing about in agony wearing me neck brace I was in fact really suffering with whiplash after the incident on the dodgems, - I was NOT acting! Just as long as we´re clear on this. - Above, director Karl King receives his award.

Annual Renion A Huge Success.

2011-08-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank all our members what turned up to our annual reunion in Blackpool, it were bloody great to see all three nights packed to the rafters and a big thanks goes to the Catholic Club and the Savoy Hotel for putting us up.
The highlight for me personally would be my team's stirring fightback in the keenly fought and sometimes ill tempered beach football match in which, after conceding a rather dubious opening goal from a shot that was so high our goalkeeper couldn't even reach it with his walking stick, we stormed back to first equalise and then gloriously triumph in a nail biting penalty shootout. The whole match was marred however when I was wrongly sent off after an altercation resulting in what the opposition laughingly called a "dive" when I was ruthlessly hacked down in the penalty area in the closing minutes of the first half - I was later reinstated after an appeal. To view footage of this and another one what our film maker Karl King knocked up click -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGBrrJIj3xY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sk_nXPooCU0

End Of An Era.

2011-06-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

AS usual, aT thE enD of thE seasn=)(, i´M goiN tO tipE this myself without thE help oF my wipe elsIE.

iT waS with grea&t badness thaT wE bouGht on stale foR thE last tymE mr. alaN bod aS elviS%. alaN haS bean with uS four 5 yearS, an Di caN honesTLty saY with nO fear of contracEption that hE haS bEEn a boY tO woRk wIth.

I welL remeMber thE fusT time ye performed hiS elvIS show i seD tO ouR concert seCRetary wilF thAt i thort that wE haD discoVereD a jaM “•””@

A reaL fro anD a nicE maM aS weLL , mY wYfe meT hiM anD shE said he Was micE aS weLL** - hE myte bE nicE buT he´S noboDYs tOOl. hE used tO like a drink bef ore a ShoW buT this menT hE goT shIT – facED

with this problEM wEE deciDED tO stoP hIm drinking AnD hE didnT lykE it buTT agrEED thAT iT waS foUR thE breAST. aS a splaTTer oF faCT he´S nevEr soundED sO gOOdy ^^```*

I wOOd jusT likE tOO takE theSE oPPortOOnitY tO tanK hiM oN behaLF thE cuB anD aLL thE chiMps oN thE cOMMiTTee ha PENIS foR thE fooTure.

regaRDS -THe conceRT chair mAN ¿?$$

Elsie´s feet playin her up again.

2011-06-10T12:26:00.001-07:00

Bit o bother at home today, Elsie bit her own foot. She fell asleep in the awning with her mouth open and her teeth fell into her slipper, and when she put her foot into it they clamped shut on her big toe, so she´s had to have a tetanus injection.- Anyway, -I´ve had to make me own tea.

I am now pleased to announce that my first ever DVD is now on sale, called “The Concert Chairman Presents” it once and for all puts an end to the rumours that me and my nephew Kevin Holt are one of the same person, as we appear on stage together at the same time. To see the preview of it click on this bugger -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjksjZqDI_k

Royal Wedding Report

2011-05-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all those what attended our Royal Wedding Extravaganza. We thought it would be a good idea for us to re inact the actual wedding with our club members. Wills and Kate was played by Dot and Norman (pictured), the queen was played by our Elsie and I played Prince Phillip – which came in quite handy cos I could tell everybody to go bollocks. Elton John was played by some drunk with glasses on but unfortunately we couldn´t conjure up a Pippa Middleton. – Well that´s not surprising is it? I watched the wedding highlights after “Match of the Day” and everybody was banging on about Pippa´s dress, not in my front room though, I just thought she had a lovely arse.

Regards, The Concert Chairman.

New Venture.

2011-04-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

I´m sorry that I´ve not been on here for a while, but I´ve been busy filming. I was approached by a Chubby Brocolli type character who insisted it would be a good idea if I went round the local beauty spots and gave my opinion in a programme called "I´m the concert chairman get me out of here." We put it on "You-Tube" cos the BBC haven´t as yet shown much interest. Well we´ve done a couple and to be honest I would rather have done some much needed work up the allotment rather than spend all day being traipsed up mile after mile of bloody steps in the searing heat and sweating me cods off, - call me old fashioned. I simply can´t see the attraction. If you want to see the latest episode click this -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nMBEDV_upg

A Thief In The Club!

2011-02-25T05:10:00.000-08:00

It gives me no pleasure what so ever to inform all our members we have a thief amongst us!

Reg Pilling, a stalwart member of some standing had been enjoying a pork pie on games night in the snooker room. He had taken out his teeth on account of the fact a lump of gristle had lodged itself under his top plate and had become a nuisance. Whilst he was borrowing a knife from the kitchen some person or persons spirited away the dentures possibly into a handbag or used crisp packet and made off with them. Afterwards we interviewed Reg and he was very forthright on the matter “MMmm shhh, shhh fwah fwah shhhhhh bubub ubub” – he said. I find it difficult to argue with that.

Reg putting on a brave face yesterday.

New Years Eve At The Club

2011-01-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

Our Club Nativity Play, From A Few Year Back.

2010-12-19T04:46:00.000-08:00

Another chance to catch up with our somewhat farcical nativity play from 2007, as it appeared in our club journal "The Cumberland Claptrap".

"We would like to thank all of those who attended our production of the nativity play this year. Unfortunately, due to a somewhat lengthy committee meeting just before we started, some of our members were slightly intoxicated and what follows is an exact account of what came out on the night, rather than the scripted version which sadly went out of the window at an early stage. We especially apologise to the members of the local day centre who unfortunately walked out in the interval. (without their carers in many cases)."

NATIVITY PLAY.

SCENE 1

{The three shepherds played by Joe Scraggs, Bob Merryman and “Chimp” Simpkins are dressed in blankets tied up with string and are stood between two stuffed sheep}

[Narrator]
“And so it came to pass in a field on the outskirts of Bethlehem that there was a crash of thunder, the clouds parted and an image of the angel Gabrielle appeared before three terrified shepherds.”

.{The angel Gabrielle, played by Marjorie Threapleton is stood on top of the snooker table wearing a blanket, a halo made from an old coat hanger and bacofoil wings}

“Fear not for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy that shall be to all people. For this day is born to you a saviour who is Christ the lord, thou shall find the infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger. Glory to God in the highest and peace to all men”.

{The shepherds look aghast}
"Can you speak up love, I didn’t catch a word of that, I got the “fear not” bit but couldn’t make out the rest”,
{ his fellow shepherd is busy pouring himself a pint of meade into a rude cup}

“What she say Joe?”

“I dunno, summat about a kid wrapped in goblin clothes and pissed are all men – what you reckon?”

“Could be a fancy dress party I spose – d´you fancy it?”

“I, go on, Beryl’s at the bingo, and the fish shop doesn’t open till half nine, - follow that star!”

{Meanwhile in Bethlehem town centre Mary and Joseph – played by Tommy Fingleton and his wife Dot – approach a stern looking Inn keeper}

SCENE 2.

{The foyer – The Innkeeper (played by the concert chairman) is sat watching a small portable black and white television which is perched on an old domino table with a beer mat under one leg}

Joseph – “Excuse me please, but I am just a poor carpenter and me and my wife here have been travelling for some hours, we are exhausted, have had little food and we are with child, I’m just wondering, - have you any vacancies?”
Inn Keeper – “What!?, - are you members?”

Joseph; - “No, we’re not I’m afraid, and it’s getting very late”

Inn keeper; - “Too bloody right it is, now piss off!!”

Joseph – “Oh, this is terrible, although we have no money I could per chance knock you up a bed side cabinet our something”

Innkeeper – “Yes, well, as it happens, you’re lucky, - the steward hasn’t tilled up yet and we’re having a lock in, - I’d invite you through to the lounge but we don’t allow kids in the best room I’m afraid.”

{Mary and Joseph skip with elation through the foyer}

Innkeeper – “OW!!, where the hell do you think you’re going with that sodding donkey!, - you’ll have to stick it in the car park, and when you come back in make sure you sign in.”

{Mary and Joseph do as they’re told, but have problems re entering the building when the intercom breaks down}
Innkeeper; - (scrutinizing their signatures in the signing in book)

“Galilee Joiners welfare club eh!?, - not a bad little club that. My sister Jean used to do the sarnies on games night there, - they’re not that keen on bacon apparently."

{The Innkeeper introduces the stricken couple to the steward and a couple of committee men at the bar}

SCENE 3 {The lounge bar – a gathering of local members, - red nosed portly men wrapped in bed sheets with tea towels on their heads}

Joseph – “I am very pleased to meet you, I am Joseph, and this is my wife the virgin Mary”
{there’s a guffaw of laughter}

Committee man. – “Yeh, right!, - a virgin at sixty! – av you heard this Nigel? - her legs must have been together longer than Status Quo for god’s sake!!”

Mary; - “Ah, yes, well anyway, we were wondering if you could let us stay for the night, if your rooms are full, then maybe the barn?”

Steward; - “We haven’t got one of them love, but if you’re desperate you could always rough it in the cellar, it will muffle the kids squawking a bit and you can even stick the donkey in there as long as you promise to clear up the mess. Mind you, you’ll have to be out in the morning , I’ve got Tetleys round first thing and I don’t want reporting to the brewery.”

{Just then there is a knock on the door, and the three shepherds arrive stamping their feet and blowing into their hands, as the Inn keeper impatiently peers through the window and opens the door}.

1st shepherd; “Good evening kind sir, this indeed is the most glorious of occasions – do you know you’re in the presence of the lord?”

Inkeeper; (rolling his eyes upward) “Oh Christ, Jehovas witnesses, that’s all we need!, I bought a watchtower from you lot the last time you came on the proviso that you’d give me a wide berth in future, let me guess, - we’re all gonna die in 2015!?

2nd Shepherd – “No, no you miss understand, the child on your premises, that is the son of god!”

Inn keeper – “What!, with ginger hair, I don’t bloody well think so!. Well. You’d better come in I suppose, you’ll have to take your sandals off mind, we’ve just mopped up.”

{There is another knock on the door – it’s the three kings, played by Tommy Etherigton, Nobby Clarke and “Piggy” Greenfield}

Inn keeper – “Oh for f…….!!, who the hell’s this?, - it’s like Picadilly circus round ere tonight.”

{The Innkeeper scowls at the first king dressed in a curly wig, stripy night shirt and slippers}

Innkeeper – “Come on then wee willy winky, let’s be having you, best come in and take the weight off yer lantern, - what is it?”

1st King – “Where is he who is born king of the jews?, for we have seen his star in the east and have come to adore him.

Inkeeper – “Yes, yes, whatever,- the sprogg’s in the cellar”

{The Innkeeper sighs as the second of the three kings hangs his crown on the dartboard light}

Inkeeper – “Its all bollocks is this!!!, all this shite about some kid born to be king, - you’re only round here cos you’ve heard we’re having a lock in – come on, be honest!”

3rd King – “We have travelled many miles on camel from far away in the east, and ask only to see the infant”

{The Innkeeper muses for a second, seemingly weakening to their plight}

The Inkeeper – “On camel you say? – can’t say it surprises me, - it’s a hell of a job to get a taxi round here on Christmas Eve at the best of times. You best come in, but there’s no free ale mind, we don’t want the police round here again – we’ve already got a stray donkey in the car park and a couple of gypo´s down the cellar thank you very much.”

{One of the shepherds goes over to the three kings to make his acquaintance}.

Shepherd 1 – “Alright lads, hows it going?, we’ve just got ere ourselves and there’s nowt much happening I’m afraid, - haven’t seen hide nor hair of a sausage roll or a volavont and they’re a bit shy of getting behind the bar an all. I see you’ve brought your own”.

{He said motioning towards the box in the first king´s hands.}

1st king. – “No, actually this is myrrh”

Shepherd 1 – “Is that that Egyptian lager?”

1st king – “No, it’s a gift for the infant”

Shepherd 1 – “I wouldn’t waste it on him if I were you, don’t think he would appreciate it somehow, me on the other hand, - I think I’ve got me tankard here somewhere.”

{The Inn keeper shouts down the cellar}

Inn keeper – “OW! Nigel, it’s heaving up here, what do you want me to do?, - shall I re-open the bar, I’ve got thirsty shepherds, three wise men or kings or whatever they call themselves, and they’ve brought with them gold, frankincense and Myrrh.”

The Steward. – “Well you can get shot of them buggers for starters, they were crap last time – paid em off after twenty minutes, - “Pickety Witch” tribute band if I remember rightly.”

Inn keeper – “Uh?”

The Steward. - “Aren’t they that bloody awful trio we had on for the pigeon do last year? – what do they look like?”
Inn keeper – “Well, they’re sort of small boxes wrapped in Christmas paper with red ribbons tied round em.”
The Steward – “No, that doesn’t ring a bell to be honest.”

The Innkeeper – “They say that they’ve only come to see the child”

The Steward. - “Oh, right. Likely story, - you best send em down anyway.”

SCENE 4. {In the cellar. Mary ,Joseph, the three kings, the shepherds, club steward, the Innkeeper are gathered round an old walkers crisp box}

Shepherd 1 – “He’s a fine looking young man and that’s a fact, He’ll be king of the jews one day, you’ll see, I can already see an aura around his head”

Innkeeper.- “They’re mosquito’s I think you’ll find, we’ve not had the pest control round for a bit, - well, there was no need after king Herod ordered the slaughtering of all the cockroaches under two years of age, after he found one in his bed – a bit of a temper on him that lad.”

{One of the three kings wanders over to the crisp box, smiles lovingly and inquires of nobody in particular}

King 2 – “Pray tell, what is the child’s name?”

{Just then there is a clatter – The Innkeeper has just tripped over a shepherds crook and lands face down in a pile of donkey droppings with a case of mixers on his back}

Innkeeper – “Jesus Christ all bastard mighty!!!!”

{Without looking up, the King muses}

King 2 – “Mmmm, - it might catch on – not sure about the middle name though”.

{As the Innkeeper wipes himself down with a beer towel one of the shepherds emerges from behind a gas canister smiling broadly}

Shepherd 3 – “I’ve just got back from the takeaway – no kebabs left – just 5 loaves and 2 fishes, - said they’d deliver in 5 minutes!”

The Steward. – “Nice one! – I’ve just been upstairs and poured us all a rams bladder cup full of best bitter, it’s about time we wet the baby’s head I reckon. – Right then, who’s for a sing song?”

{The happy throng energetically throw themselves into a familiar Christmas carol – sang to the tune of “Once in Royal David’s city”}

--------------------------------------------------------------

“Once in Royal Benidorm city, stood a lowly social club,
Where a mother laid her baby,
Cos there’s no room, - in the pub.
Mary had a half of mild, - a glass of Tizer for the child.

The steward he kindly brought a beer towel, - and wrapped the boy inside of it,
The Inn - keeper took a tumble, swore a lot, – covered all the kings in shit,
The shepherds challenged the kings at darts,
Praise the lord, - all pissed as farts”.

------------------------------------------------------

And hence everybody went on to live happily ever after - (except for Jesus who was crucified).

Article From Our Club Journal

2010-12-14T08:25:00.000-08:00

This article appeared in our club journal “The Cumberland Claptrap” in the “Across the years” section.

Many people in our club are aware of our concert chairman as an affable and friendly character, always on hand to lend a hand, and a smile for everyone, - but alas this wasn´t always the case. Back in the 70´s he was once drafted in at the last minute to wrestle a true legend of the sport, - Mick McManus. The Chairman himself takes up the story.

“Aye, it were a right funny do were that. This were around 1971 and the wrestling on ITV´s World of Sport were all the rage and I had this idea that it would be a good idea to set up a ring in the games room and try and get a couple of wrestlers down and fight it out - and my wife Elsie used to go to the bingo with Kent Walton´s wife, and he could pull a few strings in them days. We needed a goody and a baddy to do it right so we booked Mick McManus who not many people had heard of at the time, - he looked a bit different then, he didn´t have his pot belly and he had a big bushy beard, and looked quite scary as it goes.- He actually got Wilf our doorman in a boston strangle hold when he asked him to sign in. The other one we booked was Les Kellet who was a very funny man and always put me in mind of Charlie Drake.

Anyway, everything was set for the Saturday night, we´d arranged everything just right. We´d got Tom Staples to introduce it cos he looked a bit like Dickie Davis, and we´d sorted it so all these vicious looking old women with umbrellas (Ladies darts team) were sat in the front row and we plied em with a few port and lemons to fire em up. When it came for the time to start there was no sign of Les Kellett. It turned out later that some bloke had accidentally brushed him with his elbow in the supermarket and Les had stumbled across the aisle as if in a daze and bouncing in slow motion off the shelves sending dozens of tins of marrowfat peas and packets of Birds Custard scattering in all directions. He then collapsed theatrically to the floor, and staying down as if shot, then springing to his feet at the count of 9 leaping across the bacon counter and wrestling the poor bloke to the floor in a pin fall. – Anyway he was arrested.

That left Mick with no opponent and it all went a bit quiet when I asked for volunteers to fill in, so it was down to me to strip down to me Y-fronts and do the business. I were a bit out of me depth to be honest, I just tried to remember a few moves I had seen from the following week when there had been a tag match between the Royal Brothers versus Jim Brakes – who always said “No,no not the ears” - and Kendo Nagasaki, who never had a problem with his ears cos he wore a mask. Anyway, I started off ok, crouching down slightly and slapping him around the face a bit like I´d seen Mark “Rollerball” Rocco do once, but it soon went pear shaped when he grabbed me by the throat with one hand and shoved his other hand down me pants and squeezed me testicles until me face went blue – that can´t be right surely? But the referee didn´t seem to see it. The next thing I know he´s bouncing me off the ropes whilst he bounced himself off the ropes at the other side and then flattened me with a fore arm smash as we met in the middle,- just as I was pulling me underpants up. He then got me in a headlock and shoved me head in the water bucket, pulled me head out by me hair and then dunked me head in again several times. Just as I was getting me breath back he battered me around the buttocks with his stool, flattened me with a punch on the blind side of the referee and then stamped on me foot as he went to shake hands. – I thought I´d done quite well actually considering the only un armed combat I´d done before was with the wife, but the referee saw it differently. Fortunately I was in a position to prove that Mr. McManus hadn´t signed in and therefore I was pronounced the winner, - so I retired there and then with a 100% record."

November Fiestas

2010-11-24T11:02:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank all of our members that turned up for fancy dress day at the club last Thursday. I would like to thank all of you personally, but I´m not sure who was who to be honest. I know that the bloke who looked like Charles 2^nd was our steward, and our stewardess came as Juliet Bravo, but that´s about it. Personally, I came as rock legend Freddie Garrity, - no hang on, that´s not right, - I mean Freddie Mercury from the famous pop group “The Queens” – so called cos they were all homosexual probably. It´s a shame my wife Elsie couldn´t make it in the end through ill health, as she´d spent an age making that Rudolph Hess costume up, but she said she might get some wear out of it when she attends the senior citizens novelty bring and buy sale at the church hall on Friday. The day went off without a hitch in the main, apart from Max Wall laddering his tights and Coco the clown being sexually assaulted by the Pink Panther.

Article from the latest issue of the "Cumberland Claptrap" - our club journal

2010-10-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

Two of our members, Sid and Pauline Dunhill have made it to the semi finals of TV´s favourite “Strictly Come Dancing” competition. After a particularly gruelling practice session whereby I watched a surprisingly youthful looking Sid lift Pauline up by the gusset of her tights and swing her round his head a couple of times before expertly perch her on his shoulder – before she fell off. “She´s bloody useless” jokes Sid.” I told her it was gonna be hard work was this, but she insisted on having a go. She just wanted to see if the old magic was still there (She was the All-Beeston Hopskotch runner up of 1945/46 season). But basically I think she just wanted to meet up with Bruce Forsyth again. Not many people know that we appeared on the “Generation game” back in the 70´s. That were a right laugh were that. We had to make this Christmas pudding or summat – I forget now, but we got in a right state. Ended up with icing sugar all over, I do remember that some mysteriously ended up on Anthea Redfern´s breasts – I got a right bollocking for that – from Pauline AND Bruce, - cos he were knocking her off at the time if I remember rightly. Anyway the senile old sod didn´t remember us when we turned up on the set for “Strictly” last week, even though we introduced ourselves as “Mr. And Mrs. Dunhill from Beeston”, which was how Anthea had introduced us back then. I reminded him about the Christmas pudding and everything bit he just stared blankly at us. To be honest he´s been a right misery ever since we turned up here, and he´s been a bloody nuisance with the women, - hanging around each and every one of em like a fly round a cow´s arse”.

Pauline is obviously excited as she eagerly tells me about her day. “Oh, it´s been marvellous, don´t listen to Sid, Bruce has been lovely, - he´s just jealous. All because he caught me and Brucie – as I call him, linked arms outside the television centre. I tried to tell Sid that I were just walking him across the road to the bus stop, but he were having none of it. I got to dance with him an all, and what a mover he is for a man of his age, and so charming. He told me it was “Nice to see me – to see me nice”, and then asked me to “Give us a twirl”. I was in heaven, we got on like a house on fire and I´ve invited him to the “Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club” reunion in Blackpool next year, - and he giggled when I said that we could have a Foxtrot to Reginald Dixon at the mighty Wurlitzer in the Tower Ballroom. He said he would do but he wasn´t too keen on Blackpool. – Because it tends to be so windy, and he said that the odd time he´s been there he´s had to tie a bootlace around his head to keep his wig on – aarh bless!”

You can see Sid and Pauline this week on “Slightly Come Dancing” BBC1 – 9pm.

Dominoes Team Annual Trip

2010-10-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

As usual we had our annual trip for our dominoes team, what we have every year. We have had some great do´s over the years, in recent years we´ve been to Albir Buff Club, and then last year we went to a Bullfight. – That were a mistake actually, I misread the leaflet, I thought it said “Bunfight” – we were going to do our bit for “Comic Relief” you see. Felt a bit ridiculous as it happens when we turned up in the middle of summer in those see through pac-a-mac´s what you can get in the Chinese shops and half a pound of Vanilla Slices, but anyway.

Club funds have been very low this year and we couldn´t afford owt fancy, so Charlie Barrett kindly said we could use at his allotment. – Luckily he brews his own ale, and now he´s started making his own wine. I think he even treads the grapes himself. I say this cos when Wilf Naylor tried some he choked on a corn plaster and next day a verruca sprouted up on the end of his nose.

A good day was had by all. We had a couple by the compost heap where Charlie gave a small talk on manure and the preparation there of, he then showed us some runner beans before we retired to his potting shed to watch “Carry on camping” on a small projector he´s got in there.

All the lads on the team would like to thank Charlie for his time and effort, and we would all especially like to thank Charlie´s wife Annie – for staying out of the way.

Blackpool Reunion Photos

2010-09-06T03:56:00.000-07:00

Once again it were a right good turn out and I would like to thank all our members for making an effort.

Fruit and Vegetable Show and Stripper Complaints.

2010-06-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank all of you and all of your efforts this year I would especially like to thank

The stripper who appeared at this club of Saturday last has unfortunately resulted in a number of complaints, he was

Charlie Barrett who organised our fruit and vegetable show last Sunday. We are happy to report a good turnout for this and would like to thank our judge Harry Fielding who judged the tomatoes and was

Strutting around naked whilst using foul and abusive language. I would like to point out that I was

happy to help out with the plums as well. Arthur Jessop who celebrated his 80th birthday this year, attained the runners up rosette for his radishes and was accompanied by his wife who was

truly appalled at his behaviour. He ran amok through the audience whilst waving his private parts in the air, and was eventually rugby tackled by Stan Etherington by the domino table, who was

standing proudly by his side, whilst they had their photograph taken. The prize for best spring onions went to Alf Ramage who was also

a little out of breath after his exertions not surprisingly. The stripper then dragged Hilda Olroyd on to the stage who was blindfolded and was humiliated and then

elated with his rhubarb, which came second. We would also like to thank the lady mayoress for presenting some of the prizes. She was serenaded by local school children, shown around the cake stall before being

beaten around the head with a sex toy. Things got so bad that somebody phoned the police, who were taken to the concert room and

shown Jim Spencer´s pickled onions. She complimented Ethel Tomlinson on her chutney and sampled Harry Crump´s home made wine before she

led him away in handcuffs, but then he

had a scone and a cup of tea with the vicars wife. She was then briefly introduced to our president who

ran around taunting the constable with his testicles cupped in the palm of his hand. We would like to apologise wholeheartedly for this, and would like to promise all our members it will never happen again.

then had to attend a pigeon meeting.

P.S I have just realised that some sort of administrative error has occured here and somehow the 2 seperate reports have been inter linked. So you have to read all the red writing together and then the white writing, otherwise it doesn´t make sense. We hope that this hasn´t led to undue confusion.
Regards, The Concert Chairman.

1966 And All That

2010-05-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

This is an article from our club journal, “The Cumberland Claptrap” which uses a transcript of a conversation between our club steward Nigel and our concert chairman which took place on the radio recently. They were discussing the fact that world cup matches were this year being shown in the club, and it wasn´t long before our1966 triumph cropped up.

“So Mr. Chairman, do you remember that glorious day in 1966?”

“Remember it!? remember it? – I was there I think you´ll find! though I couldn´t see bugger all cos I was sat behind that bloke that turned up to all of Englands games wearing a bloody great top hat and waving a Union Jack. I remember when the final whistle went and shouting down to Nobby Stiles – “Nobby lad, put tha teeth in, tha´s gonna meet queen in a minute”. – Well, he just chuckled and reached inside his shorts and pulled out his dentures which were wrapped in his hanky and gave this great big smile he did. Of course I knew all the lads personally, - they used to come in our club regular of a Sunday dinner time, Alf Ramsey used to come in first, a very quiet bloke he was with a posh voice, allus used to sit in the corner of the games room with a port and lemon and criticise the tactics used by the lads as they played snooker. The Charlton brothers allus drank Newcastle Brown, Martin Peters used to ghost into the snug with a vodka and tonic and Gordon Banks used to like his cider. I remember one of the lads used to head a packet of crisps to him and he´d throw himself of his stool and tip it over the bar, that were his party piece were that. I also remember that Alan Ball drank Britvik orange cos one of the committee found out he weren´t old enough to drink, Bobby Moore liked his lager and Jimmy Greaves drank, well.........everything really. They always said that they would win the world cup just for me, and when they did they would bring it to the club and put it in our trophy cabinet. Anyway, they were as good as their word, and a couple of days after the final in they came with the world cup in an old duffle bag. A good night was had by all and on his way home Jimmy Greaves stopped at the side of the road, put the world cup under a bush and then had a piss. Unfortunately he left the cup there and if it wasn´t for Reg Brown´s dog “Pickles” (he liked his Picalilly did Reg), finding it during his next morning´s constitutional it´d be still there to this day – great times. I´m the one behind Bobby Moore in the photo which was given to me (and signed) by Nobby Stiles."

Club Turns

2010-04-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

I´ve been lining up some top turns for our club, we auditioned “Screaming lord Beaverbrook and his bonking bullocks”, and “Terry Titlock – stage chicken sexer” just last week but they weren´t really suitable. Over the years I´ve worked with all the modern greats, such household names as Charlie Flange, Mungo Dumpling, “Victor Splattergun – the human cowpat” and Bernie Clifton. So I know talent when I see it, but if truth be known there´s not a lot out there. So, if you are a club turn, and you wish to work at our club – please fill in this multiple choice application form –

1. You are singing a ballad when one of our members comes to the front of the stage and drops his trousers. Do you -

(a) Drop YOUR trousers.

(b) Sing “Little stick of Blackpool rock”

(c) Say “That reminds me, I must buy some of those button mushrooms from Morrisons”

2. Our Concert secretary insists on singing “My Way” in the middle of your spot, do you –

(a) Tell him that would be a wonderful idea and hand him the microphone.

(b) Say that maybe it would be best if you sang the song.

(c) Simply ignore him, turn to a member of the audience and mouth the word “tosser” when you think he isn´t looking.

3. You are sat on the toilet when suddenly and without warning our concert chairman announces you to the stage for your second spot. Do you –

(a) Finish your doings, before calmly washing your hands, walking into the concert room and taking your place on stage to desultory applause because our audience have been kept waiting.

(b) Pretend you haven´t heard him and just sit there despairing of the day you ever took up the entertainment business.

(c) Nip it off, scramble to the door whilst pulling up your underpants, run on to stage red faced, snatch the microphone from our chairman whilst calling him a “useless bastard” under your breath.

4. Our keyboard player and drummer are pissed, and are making a complete pigs ear of your opening song. Do you –

(a) Fumble along blindly until you get to a bit that you vaguely recognize and then join in half heartedly.

(b) Turn around abruptly, and insist that they start again, - this time from the beginning.

(c) Throw down the microphone, march over to the drummer (who is generally the more pissed of the two), pull down his trousers and ram one of the drumsticks up his bum piece.

5. Some infuriating parent is encouraging her little brat of a 5 year old son to dance right in front of you whilst you are performing. Do you –

(a) Smile at them both, and start dancing with the infant.

(b) Pretend you haven´t seen either of them and slyly move to the other side of the stage and sing there.

(c) Grab hold of the snotty nosed oik by his grubby little chav top and drop kick him towards the fire exit.

6. You have just died an absolute death, and at the conclusion of your 45 minute set, even though there isn´t even the merest hint of even a smattering of applause, our Concert Chairman insists you do an encore. Do you –

(a) Inwardly squirm like an eel in a vat of cooking fat, but smile graciously and knock out one last song which seems to take about half an hour to sing.

(b) Shake your head vigorously from the wings mouthing the words “I don´t bloody think so” and hope he gets the message.

(c) Blow a giant raspberry down the microphone and protrude your right arm from behind the curtain revealing a clenched fist with your middle finger stuck steadfastly upwards.

7. You arrive at the club on time but our concert secretary insists that you are an hour late and threatens to dock half of your money. Do you –

(a) Politely inform him that this was the time you were informed to turn up and show him a copy of the email from your agent.

(b) Tell him he is wanted on the phone, and when his back is turned smile to yourself and go and get changed.

(c) Burst a blood vessel, scream in his face that he hasn´t got a clue what he´s talking about, then quickly manoeuvre behind him and garrotte him with his own tie.

8. You have just been informed that the dressing room is out of bounds because of a burst pipe and you have to get changed in the toilets. Do you –

(a) Resign yourself to having to hop about on one leg splashing about in pools of urine whilst trying to keep your trousers dry.

(b) Ask if it´s possible to per chance get changed somewhere else, preferably somewhere where there isn´t someone sat at the side of you “taking his ease”.

(c) Waltz straight round to the coat rack, pick up the concert secretary´s scarf and flush it down the bog.

9. One of the committee is having a noisy conversation about his pigeons whilst playing the fruit machine about 3 feet from where you are standing, whilst another committee man peers over his shoulder and predictably says “Hold yer plums”. Do you –

(a) Pretend you haven´t heard it and pick a loud song that will drown out the chatter.

(b) Force a laugh, and then sing “Money, money,money” by Abba.

(c) Say, “No,- let me do that” before reaching over and grabbing his testicles in a vice like grip, before twisting them round, leaving him contorted and gasping for air on the tiled floor.

10. You have a serious accident in the dressing room, breaking your arm. This has happened because the one chair in the dressing room which had only been placed there by the concert secretary because it had several loose screws and was too dangerous for our members to sit on, had given way when you plonked your rear end on it. Do you –

(a) Take a couple of pain killers, and gallantly go ahead with the show holding the microphone in your one good hand.

(b) Instruct the committee that you´ve just had about had enough of their slipshod ways and will be phoning “Claims Direct” as soon as you get back from hospital.

(c) Seek out the concert secretary, cornering him in the tap room, gently insert a loaded pistol into his mouth and blow his bloody head off.

Committee Meeting - Monday 15th March 2010

2010-03-15T13:31:00.001-07:00

COMMITTEE MEETING MONDAY 15TH MARCH 2010

Apologies for absence were received from Colin Chivers, who has recently suffered a virus – on his computer, George Appleton who´s not been very well and Cyril Dobbs, who died.

Item one on the agenda – dog fouling on the perimeter concourse directly outside the club:

Les Stubbs said that he had noticed it getting worse lately and was finding it more difficult to walk in a straight line of late. “Mind you”, he added “Half of the reason for that is me bad feet, doctor said that he´d send me to a chiropodist and get it sorted. This were a fortnight since, and what has happened? – well I´ll tell you shall I – bugger all that´s what. Lionel Smithers who lives next door but one had the same problem as me, and he were seen straight away, - I can´t understand it, or rather I can understand it – his niece works on the reception at the chiropodist, makes you bloody sick, his feet were nowhere near as bad as mine to start with and now I´m still hobbling about like an old woman and he´s skipping around like a chuffing two year old. I´ve already sent a letter to the town hall about it and if I don´t get any joy from them I´ll be getting on to the local paper and after that me MP”. Neville Cummings also had a view on this. “Well, I can tell you that my wife goes to that same chiropodist and she´s had nowt but bother wi em, she sacrificed her shift at the coffee morning at the W.I – and it were her turn to pour!, went to get her bunions shaved and had to wait two bloody hours in the waiting room – they said they were dealing with an emergency or summat, - turns out some silly sod had stubbed his toe on the leg of his bed whilst chasing after a gerbil, - what a bloody carry on. Had to make me own tea that day, and that´s not happened since afore I were wed, had to ask Maureen in from next door to show me how to open me own fridge!”

Bob Merryman sympathised with Neville´s predicament. “Them chiropodists are a waste of time anyway in my opinion, there´s nowt that can go wrong wi feet that can´t be put right by soaking em in vinegar. It´s allus worked for me over´t years, from doing me national service right up until I packed up the milk round a couple of year back. Used to get up at 3 o´clock int morning come rain or shine, scrape ice off ot windscreen of me milk float, stamp the snow off me boots and cling on to next doors cat to try and get circulation goin in me hands – and this were in bloody August! I´ll never forget the time I set off down´t street int pitch black and suddenly the float reared up and there such bloody crash behind me. Thought that someone were taking pot shots at me from their bedroom window – cos it were a right rough area tha knows, but no, - turns out that I´d forgotten to unplug the re-charging lead which were attached to the mains in our front room. It were a right bloody mess I can tell you, it had knocked over the radiogram – which were worth a fortune – and that had smashed into the budgies cage. Luckily the budgie weren´t killed but from that day on it couldn´t chirp properly and it flew upside down – still does. The vet said he could cure it but it would cost. Told him to stick his “Cost” up his bloody arse, they´re allus out to fleece you them vets, don´t trust any of em. I mean, cats and dogs can´t talk can they! You avent got a clue what goes on behind that surgery door, once told me that the grand daughter´s tortoise was in a coma, and it were gonna cost a hundred quid to bring it round. I´ve never heard such shite, - it were hibernating! Everybody knows that tortoises hibernate, everybody that is apart from the sodding vet. The damn thing woke up in March as right as rain, it yawned a bit, we give it a bit o lettuce and it sprinted off, never to be seen again – well, not alive anyway.............”

The meeting was adjourned at this point, it was agreed that it had been a very constructive meeting and that we would meet again a week on Monday to discuss the dog fouling problem.

Concert Chairman.

The Concert Chairman On The Radio

2010-01-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

Article from our club journal - "The Cumberland Claptrap":
Our very own concert chairman has now secured a spot on the "Turner & Holt Sports Spectacular" radio show on "FabFMSpain" - he appears as the "Voice Of Reason" to give his views on various sporting topics of the day plus on the weekly "Guess the year" feature. Here is a transcript of this weeks conversation -

"Audley Harrison – when´s he gonna actually fight a boxer? – up to press he´s fought a cabby, a postman and 3 bin men – soft as muck, - I read in´t paper he got mugged by an old lady outside a fish shop in London last week, - Had him ont floor with his arm up his back and pinched his haddock. – left him laid in´t gutter covered in scraps, - I ask yer. Tell you who was just as bad – Joe Bugner – great big lump of useless fat lard he was – fought Ali twice and never actually threw a punch! only time he peeped out from behind his gloves were to put his gumshield in. He wore that at the weigh in an all - he were that scared – They were some great boxers though weren´t they in those days– Joe Frazer, Muhammad Ali – George Formby – he couldn´t half punch except that time in Zaire when Ali talked him to death – the fumble in the jungle they called it. He´s a chef now – he´s got a chip pan named after him or summat.

Anyway – 1988 what a year, I were recuperating from a slip disc after falling over a dead hedgehog up on me allotment. – It were a nightmare – I had to send the wife up there to plant me shallots and everything, - I were bed ridden – but only for one night though. Doctor cudn´t believe it, said I shudn´t be able to walk – walk! – I were playing football next morning – and I scored a hat trick. – said he´s never come across anybody who could recover from such a serious injury like that ever before, by rights I should have been in traction for 3 months and then another month psychotherapy. Said I were a walking miracle, said if there were more people like me, his job would be 10 times easier.

(Discussing the World Snooker final of 1985:)

I were a brilliant snooker player me sen yer know, wud av turned professional an all had I not got that detached rectum after somebody threw the triangle at me - hit me in the eye – I were best player in our club anyway, I used to break off, bounce off o´t top 2 cushions, behind´t blue, off o´t bottom cush and cue ball would end up nestled up to behind yellow – or behind the brown – if I was a bit off form. I used to play pairs with Charlie Barrett who had a glass eye, so he couldn´t judge distances, so as far as he were concerned pack of reds were 3 mile away, and frankly – he played like it. Problem were he used to line up the shot with his glass eye instead of his good one, I told him to get the doctor to drill a hole in it so he can see through it but he wouldn´t listen.I bought him an eye patch in the end but he fell down the stairs at Horsforth Conservative club – silly sod put the patch over his GOOD eye! I didn´t notice that he played any worse though.

The greatest ever final was that one between Davis and Naylor– surely, unless you count Joe Davis beating Walter Lindford 145 – 110 in 1937 – that were a close game for them days, a real ciff hanger. – Funny that another Davis came along – Steve - everybody thought that they were related but they weren´t – he were ginger if you remember. Anyway, he played Dennis Naylor who were blind – until he put this glasses on, but he didn´t put em on til he was 8-0 behind – think he had wife´s glasses on by mistake. I Remember the great champions – Ray Reardon – Dracula they called him – cos he didn´t like coming for crosses – no hang on – that might have been Victor Spinetti – the goalkeeper, anyway then there was Eddie Charlton the Aussie who were a right boring player with a hair transplant and Frank Spencer who wore a blue suit – he won world title 3 times, but that were before it were played at er...Sheffield Wednesday at The Crucifix theatre, I remember that it didn´t finish until half six in´t morning, I remember inviting milkman in to watch the last frame, and we toasted Naylor´s victory with a glass of gold top, and a strawberry yoghurt."
Tune into "TheTurner and Holt Sports Spectacular" on FabFMSpain 99.5FM or on the internet on http://www.fabfmspain.com/ 5-7pm saturdays (or 4-6pm British time)

New Years Eve

2010-01-07T12:32:00.000-08:00

Would like to thank all our members what turned up to our New years Eve fancy dress party on new years Eve. We once again had a capacity turn out in the best room and prizes for best fancy dress went to Mozzer Littlemore (Tina Turner), Dave from Alcudia (wore a pair of red combinations but not sure who he was meant to be), and club steward Nigel and Yvonne who came as Robin Hudd and Maid Marriot. We also had a snow man, a penguin and a bloke with a long coat and white face, which was very good.

I performed my duties until “Auld Lang Syne” whereby I vacated the stage to let the celebrations commence. Unfortunately my wife Elsie didn´t make it due to rheumatoid dartitis. It´s a shame is that cos she´d spent ages making that big fat Christmas pudding outfit – amazingly when she put it on – she didn´t look any different.

New Christmas Tree

2009-12-13T07:42:00.000-08:00

The Club is now closed until the 17th December, as we are having a new ballcock fitted in the Gents and it is taking longer than we expected (typical).

As some of you are already aware I was asked to switch on the chrismas lights this year! - in our front room.

Elsie said that she wanted a real tree this year after the little silver one with the plastic base that we had given to celebrate the Queens silver jubilee finally gave up the ghost. Charlie from the allotments said he could get me one on the cheap "If I didn´t ask too many questions", and he delivered it this week as good as his word. It seems to have suffered a bit on its journey (on the roof rack of his Smart Car), and maybe he shouldn´t have taken it through the car wash - I don´t know. He´d forgotten it were up there aparently, but never mind it´s buffed up the needles a treat and it were probably in need of a good clean anyway.

I sneaked into the caravan when Elsie were doing her shift at the sandwich shop and had it upright and got the lights working eventually after a bit o bother wi´t electrics. It were all worth it though cos when she got in from work she took one look at it and burst into tears - with the emotion of it all I expect.

Fiestas Fancy Dress Party

2009-11-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all those who turned up to our fancy dress party on thursday - it was a good do. Unfortunately my wife Elsie who had got dressed up as hedgehog did not make it to the club as she was run over. This came off the back of an unfortunate argument we had on Remembrance Day when I borrowed some money off her to buy a poppy. - But I'm skint - lest we forget!

I got myself dressed up as Ed Stewart and my rendition of "Do ya think I'm sexy" was the talk of the tap room. To see the film of this on "boob tube" click this --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSoyYDrFuCw

Thanks to Nigel who came as steward Peter Wyngarde and Yvonne (Tina Turner I think) who once again put the time in To ensure that a good time was had by all (except Elsie).

A letter has been forwarded to the council Concerning the dog mess in the street.

Article From the "Cumberland Claptrap" - Our Club Journal

2009-10-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

YORKSHIRE COUPLE IN CHARITY BIKE RIDE.

Two of our members Sid and Pauline rolled into town in style on a motorbike and sidecar as part of a charity bike ride from their homes in Beeston. They were triumphant on their arrival here at the Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club after an arduous 2 week journey. Sid was philosophical, “We´d expected it to take us about 5 days but Pauline´s a bit suspect on the old map reading and I think we went the long way round to be honest. Put it this way, I didn´t expect to be tootling around the Scottish Borders, - I thought it were getting colder instead of warmer but the wife insisted we were ont right track even when we stopped to ask for directions and this bloke in a kilt gave us a load of abuse, pissed up to the eyeballs he were and we couldn´t tell a word he were saying, - Pauline insisted he were French. All in all it took us the best part of a week to get to Dover.
We stopped at Dunkirk briefly which brought some very painful memories back for me. - It were here where I were shunted up the arse by an Onion seller on his pushbike when I were in me Bubble car in 1965. There shallots all over´t road, we found his beret up a tree and the bubble car was a write off. We were on our honeymoon that time, though in actual fact we´d got lost then an all and we should have been in Morecambe.
It were pretty plain sailing after that, the only thing being that I´d forgot to drive on the right hand side o´t road until we got to Barcelona, I wondered why all the traffic had been tooting at me, I thought it were cos of the motorbike and sidecar, Pauline loved it and spent all her time waving back.” I ask who´s is the child in the front basket, and they look a little sheepish. “I wish we knew” says Pauline. We parked up the bike here outside the club and there she was sat in the front basket like a little raffle prize. We´ve no idea of who she is or where she came from, - we´re thinking of calling her “Hamper”.

Potting Shed Razed To The Ground

2009-10-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

Well it´s been a traumatic time up the allotment this past few weeks right enough. First we had a deluge of rain which caused no end of heartache. The results were – Broad beans – ruined, Green Beans – decimated, and wife – flattened (it were windy an all). I were just getting things together again when I were roused by Charlie Barrett (who has the next plot to me) at 7 o’clock this morning to tell me my potting shed was on fire. I was still in bed at the time, but rushed straight down there and the scene before me beggared belief, the fireball had devoured the shed and had made a start on me Sweet Peas. I ate what I could, as I didn´t have any Tupperware on me to sam em up in and then watched in horror as the shed that I´d built myself (from a kit) disintegrated before my eyes and in no time at all was reduced to a pile of ashes.

The only things that survived were me garden fork, a tin of corn plasters and an old world war 1 tin helmet what I used to wear when it rained. Bernie Glossop who has the plot at the other side swiftly moved into action - and quickly put a couple of spuds in the embers (he said it seemed a pity to waste em). Thank you Bernard.
I stood there dumbfounded thinking of all the happy times I´d had in there. – like the time when I supped a half pint pot of lawnmower petrol mistaking it for Charlie´s home brew. (As it turned out the petrol was smoother, was easier on the nose, and had a better head on it an all).
I couldn´t take it in and I don´t mind telling you that I had a lump in my throat at that point (the jacket taties were proving difficult to digest). There will be a lengthy grieving process no doubt, it´s not easy to get over summat like this. I just hope they catch the buggers who did this that´s all, I´m sure in my own mind that it´s arson, it´s got to be, - I probably DID leave the paraffin heater on, but I´m always doing that and nowt´s ever come of it before and Charlie´s always tapping out his pipe out into my wellingtons, but that´s just a joke. No, it´ll be that family from across the road, they´ve allus had it for me just cos I shot their hamster when I found it nibbling at me herbaceous border.

August Reunion - Blackpool Central Bowling Club.

2009-09-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

Also see Kevin Holt´s Blog - www.benidormclassbceleb.blogspot.com

End Of Season Adress

2009-09-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

Fellow mebers, ¿As sum of you are maybee aware my wyfe elsy usually does my tiping. But as usual for the end of season adress I aM going to tipe this miself.,.*^`{I wud like to tank all our slaff at the “Cuberland Tex Srvicmens Klub for a highly sucksesfool treason this tyme around, wee have now morethan 600··# mebers and a fare few of them are laffable

and all rouwnd nice people ¡We had a an End of seasons barbeque on toosday !!which was well attended and we haD turns on.A very poor comelian who i have forgotten and a Vetrilicwist called roger de corset and Wooky bear. ==I think that mabee he was drUnk cos the bare was slerring his words and made jokes about my wife´s goat ++ ..She wasnt best fleased to say the leased and she didn´t lick the stripper either. We all lik a laff and a coke but he went over the toop.I wod lik to tank Edith MerYDITH for making the buffy it was luvly´&%%” and i enjoyed the sausage scrolls and my wife liked the sherry rifle. Our stewart Nigel made a speech that was well percieved, - what a prick

ly response though when he mentioned the probleM with the doorman – we havent got won.”·€@ and in it he tanked the comity for all there effort, and there weedy response to the ?¿crisis wen the club was in rouble. ·$%&¬€it´s with a minge of sadness However thAt I speek now though, for me, personelly, as my wyfe Elsy recently had a wild stroke, and one of my pigeons was salvaged by a dog. )(The pigeon “Jaunty Jack” had been innocently pecking awat at some willet in his loft when this jack russet came from next doot and salvaged him in the bottom

tier of the loft, leaving him witH a bad back. Lookily it did not prove natal and he is now on the bend.wee will be having a new resident in October and then next yeer a new VICE resident. Pleese ensure that you attend the meeetings as we will bee holding an erection in Febroorary.I will bee taking a rest now for a bit. But my nephew kevinn Holt is about to embalm on a gorilla charity treck. See his latest progres on http://www.thecampinggorilla.blogspot.com/I will be chairing the reunion dinner in august in blacpool for details and other tings see http://www.cumberlandbarbenidorm.com/kinD Regards THe COncert Chairman “**%

Presentation Night 2008/09 Season

2009-09-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday night´s annual prize giving evening was a huge success, our function room was full to capacity, Yvonne did a cracking job with the buffet, and his royal highness the Prince Of Wales kindly agreed to stand in for Syd little to hand out the trophies when Syd suddenly realized he was seriously ill. The Prince was on his way down to Marbella for a Polo match and had popped in for a livener and a game of snooker after his driver had taken badly with the “Two Bob Bits”. I reminded the Prince that this was actually the second time we had met, the first when he had opened a new disabled toilet at an engineering firm where I worked in the early seventies. On that occasion I had presented him with the scissors for him to cut the ribbon from around the ballcock, and he swore and then dropped them, - not surprising really as we had heated em up two minutes before with a blow torch.It was a bit embarrassing really as we didn´t actually have any disabled employees at that time (we tested pogo sticks for the toy firm “Chad valley”), and when Charles insisted on seeing the facility in operation our foreman Charlie Pickering had to pretend to only have one arm, which meant that when he sat on the pot he couldn´t reach the toilet paper. I was delighted when the Prince remembered this and told him of our plight with the presentation night. He said he would be delighted to help out, just as long as I took him for a game of Bowls later.Although many of our members were hugely disappointed that Mr. Little couldn´t attend, they were grateful that Charles took the trouble to step in, even though they didn´t recognise him.Trophies were handed to the members of our Dominoes team who reached the play-offs by finishing in 8th position. Their plight was helped somewhat by the bottom 2 of the 10 teams in the league dropping out pending an inquiry into match fixing allegations. Also, hats off to our ladies football team who collected the bronze medal in the “St. Miguel Tri-Team Challenge”. Other notable achievements were the winner of “Guess how many pork pies we sell on Friday night” competition which was won by Bob Wickes (The Butcher), and Harry Snodgrass who won “The Worst Dressed Snooker Player Of The Year” when he played against the “Spread Eagle” B team wearing a vest and a bald cardigan.
http://www.benidormclassbceleb.blogspot.com/
http://www.kevinholt.net/

Easter Holidays

2009-09-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

Dear member,It has been a quiet week this week down at the club – because it´s been closed. We close every year at Easter as it tends to be a bit sparse, - plenty of Spanish folk mind (don´t know where they all come from), and anyway our Elsie has her work cut out organizing the pensioners Aussie Rules football 5 a-side tournament which takes place every Good Friday on the Levante Beach.I feel I must apologize for my absence from my post on stage at The Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s last Tuesday as I was accidently locked in my potting shed by my old friend and domino partner Charlie Barrett. Charlie obviously thought that I had gone home and left the door open, and slammed it shut and snapped shut the lock, when I had in fact popped back inside to use the chemical toilet during an emergency brought on by a pint of Charlies home brewed “Old Peculiar” earlier. I tried to raise the alarm by banging my spade against the coal scuttle but when this proved inadequate I waved my Y-fronts out of the window on a long handled trowel. (I was desperate, as the light was fading fast, most of the allotment dwellers had gone home and I´d run out of toilet paper). This caught the attention of next doors Jack Russell who managed to chew the underpants free and this in turn caught the attention of his owner Mrs. Sarawack when she found him retching and whimpering in his basket some time later. It was this kindly old lady who phoned the fire brigade. (Elsie still wants to know how come Mrs. Sarawack knew they were MY underpants).The Club re-opens this Tuesday with the Quiz night followed by Karaoke with our Steward Nigel if you´re desperatefor all the latest club news see this month´s Cumberland Claptrap – out now. Download my books "Chasing The Cheese - A Year In The Life of A Benidorm Class B Celeb", "Are You Affiliated" and "The Best of The Cumberland Claptrap" for FREE over on http://www.kevinholt.net/ (you can leave a review on the

Allotment Coffee Morning

2009-09-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

We had our inaugural coffee morning up the allotment last Tuesday – well, we didn´t have coffee exactly, not me and Charlie Barrett at any rate, and it wasn´t in the morning either but it was a good turnout nevertheless. Charlie who is famous for his home brewed beer very kindly brought along some of his very own “Credit Crunch Dark Mild” for us to try (Lidl´s own brand) and I brought some of Elsie´s Parkin Pigs (leftover from bonfire night). Our chairman Alf Cattermole addressed the meeting from the top of his compost heap and told of how there had been some serious vandalism over on his plot. Some lettuce seeds had been left strewn across the floor of his potting shed and when he had complained to the bloke on the next plot, he was verbally abused and attacked with a slug pellet. We had previously decided on constructing a life size scarecrow as we have had problems with local cats digging up radishes and distributing them amongst their friends. When it was pointed out that cats aren´t generally scared of human beings, Ron Chivers suggested that we make the scarecrow more mean looking by giving it a beard and attaching a toy gun to its hand. This was agreed upon, but then proved impractical. We didn´t have much raw material from which to construct the thing, and had to make use of some of the recreational gear from our sheds, however, with a bit of imagination and help from an old 1978 “Why Don´t You...” annual, I think it´s far to say we made a decent fist of it. Well done everybody!

Across The Years - 1971

2009-09-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

The following piece is from an article from our club journal "The Cumberland Claptrap"

It was way back in 1971 when a magician rolled into town wearing a tattered suit, a cheery smile and a Fez, his name was Tommy Cooper, he was a big star and booked to appear at our club as a favour to our then president Alf Scroggins. Alf knew his mother from a dirty weekend spent at Pontins in Prestatyn in the fifties (that´s Tommy Cooper´s mother, not his own), and when we were let down by our advertised turn “Bulging” Bobby Braithewaite, Alf was straight on to the phone to her. Our Concert Chairman takes up the story.“I´d heard of Tommy Cooper, - sort of, he was a name that cropped up quite often on the radio, - I think he was on “Workers Playtime” or summat from way back when, and I think he might have been on “Educating Archie” an all. What a carry on that was by the way, - a ventriloquist – on the bloody radio!! What the hell´s that all about? He wouldn´t have lasted 5 minutes in our club, I´ll tell you that. We had Rod Hull and Emu on one Christmas, and he was a top turn – you couldn´t see HIS lips move – a true professional, mind you the Emu never spoke come to think of it, so that might have made it a bit easier, I don´t know. Anyway, this Tommy Cooper bloke turns up, and gets all stroppy just because I asked him where his trilby was (the truth was that I thought we´d booked Tommy Trinder). He said he was a magician, so I thought fair enough, we´d not had one of them since we´d booked “Small Daniels” (Paul Daniels tribute show), and variety was the name of the game in those days. I remember we used to have this bloke and this weasel thing that he kept inside his truss, “Stan and his Stinking Stoat” was his name but Stan died and the Stoat struggled a bit after that.So this Cooper fella comes shambling on stage wearing this red hat thing with black tassles on, and it was clear from the off that he hadn´t a clue what he was doing. Believe me, I know a decent turn when I see one and this bloke was all over the place. His first two tricks went wrong, but he just kept laughing in this deranged manor, and sort of clearing his throat all the time, maybe he wasn´t well I don´t know. The audience were laughing, but they weren´t laughing with him, they were laughing AT him and things went from bad to worse. He did this thing where he wore different hats and played different characters, but he kept getting mixed up, and not only that but he scowled at me every time I pointed out his mistake, I could see where he was going wrong, but then again I´ve been in the business a long time and know by instinct what makes an audience tick. He did that trick with the rings, but he couldn´t get that right neither, he kept dropping them and at one point he got one caught round his neck and seemed to be losing consciousness so I phoned an ambulance. Unfortunately he seemed to have full recovered by the time it arrived making me look a complete fool and they had to leave empty handed. To be honest it was one of the worst turns I´ve ever seen and couldn´t believe it when the audience screamed for more. They must have been drunk. After the show some of his showbiz friends turned up strutting about as if they owned the place, there was this blonde haired woman who I didn´t recognize (somebody thought it might have been Diana Doors, and somebody else thought it might have been Anne Aston from The Golden Shot) and Jimmy Tarbrush who´d just been on at the Palladium. (That´s the “Benidorm Palladium”).I was later introduced to Roger De Coursey who I didn´t like either

Member Attacked By His Own Pigeons!!

2009-09-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

I can hardly begin to describe my horror at the events of this week, Ernie Spencer who is a lifelong friend, long standing member, and vice chairman of the pigeon club was rounded on by his own stock in an unprovoked attack in his loft at the back of his allotment which left him badly shaken and covered in feathers. His wife Norma found him laid on his back flapping about fighting for breath and covered in millet, she takes up the story.“I’d been shouting for Ernie that his tea was ready but when I got no response after about a quarter of an hour, I started to get worried, it’s not like Ernie isn’t that, not on a Wednesday anyway, we always have homemade steak pie of a Wednesday it’s always been his favourite has steak pie. Well, I always get down to the butchers good and early and get the choice cuts of meat, if there’s any fat on it I insist he cuts it off, but he’s very good like that is Mr. Toadman, - he’ll do anything you ask him to – within reason. His wife is a lovely person as well, she’s done wonders with her garden has Edna, especially when you consider the operation, two months she was in hospital you know, and the funny thing is that nobody really knows what she was in for. I mean, she said it was for laser eye surgery, but as far as I know she’s never worn glasses and when she came out she had a stoop and breasts like a couple of bowling balls, certainly nothing like what they looked like when I last saw her in the boxercise class that we go to of a Tuesday night, - they were swinging about like a couple of dish cloths in a polythene bag that night. I’m not saying she’s had plastic surgery or anything, but she can certainly afford it, that’s all. Let’s face it, she’s not short of a few bob isn’t Edna, not since her first husband left her all that money when he died sudden like. Fell off the ladder whilst painting the guttering, a bit strange that, - I mean, who paints the guttering wearing just his underpants and slippers? – Anyway, when I got to Ernie’s allotment I could see all his birds flapping about and making that horrible noise that they make, and I looked down and saw him writhing about on his back trying to punch his pigeons.”After treatment by emergency services at the scene Ernie was eventually well enough to tell his story (and eat his steak pie). “By, it were a rum do were that, aven’t known owt like it, not in 35 year of keeping birds. I normally keep me cocks and hens separate, - in the off breeding season at any rate, but one of the cocks had somehow managed to chew through the little door in the loft and broken in to the girls quarters. I must have turned up just as he was coming into heat and he just went for me. I’ve spoken to Ron Spigott who’s been at this game even longer than me and he reckons that he’s NEVER known a bloke be attacked by his own cock before, - not in the middle of the day. Normally a cock of that size would just hang there unless provoked, but this thing just stood up and spat at me!! – so that was it, I was a villain of the peace and before I knew what had hit me they were all on me, - that´s gratitude for yer – I´ve given them birds me life”.